self appraisal

coming a long way, i have seen a few takes on appraisal. from the internship with ramakrishna - when his accountant said he helped do the appraisal and i thought it was a financial record to the range of appraisals i have had in Capgemini. abhijit sayankar & atul kaulgud who gave me a 3 for being not good not bad. deepak pamnani who said he would have given me a 5 just for the motivation i showed. uma who was relieved that i gave myself a 3 and that she wouldn't have to struggle trying to bring down my rating. aditya who gave me a 1 and a promotion despite knowing that i was going to resign in 3 months, even though i thought he never acknowledged my work during the year. i would blow my fuse coming back home or crib about how i couldn't say no to him. and now martin, who taught me how important it was to accurately evaluate myself, to be grounded but not to overlook the good work that i had done. not being too hard on myself, but appreciating the good things and that its only human to make mistakes. like dipti would be too hard on herself, for her naivety in the past. but then as rafael nadal says, refusing to forgive your own mistakes is another sign of arrogance. of believing that you are beyond making mistakes. so take a step back into humility and take refuge in forgiveness.

and the most recent lesson about self appraisal is on the personal front. i have learnt about myself is how unemotional i can get, thinking its being strong. but its just turning a blind eye to that core which needs affection, for the fear that i would not be able to find that affection. in me for myself, or around me.

i came home feeling very restless, feeling lonely, missing all my family and friends. it struck me that right now if something happened to me, if i jumped in front of a train, noone would come looking for me until it was too late. if i decided to go sit by the river, feeling miserable and lost about work, just like abhijit used to, no mehul would come looking for me, ready to just sit and listen. mehul knew where to find abhijit, but here noone would.

then i had an icecream, pulled myself up and decided to watch "the rebound" to distract myself. cute little complicated story, about friends advising each other, about good and bad things, about going fast or taking it slow. about exploring the world, about letting life lead you on, rather than you planning little mazes around years. and the non-ending about growing up and growing affectionate left me with a smile. everything has a time, now is the time for me to go out in the world, to explore, to find the me that i have always been wanting to look for. and to make more friends at every phase. to learn to attach, when i get home, i call out "i am home!" and have a little chat about the day.. know who is doing what, to keep in the loop rather than engaging in the formality of respecting everyone's privacy. have some adventure, and build that appreciation for human relations. of friendships. coz they will come looking for me. just like i will go looking for them. friendship doesnt need privacy, it finds its own balance. and isnt that what we are all always looking for? balance?

travelling bug

money can do wonders. i always thought financial independence would be the key to real freedom, to be able to do that i wanted. but never had i realised it until now. i dont have a lot of money, but i can fend for myself. start ticking things off my bucket list, and the foremost is travelling.

i used to always wonder if i were a sea person or a mountain person. i hadn't been around either enough to decide that. but now i know i am a wind person. as long as there is wind, i am happy to be on any nature of land. be it the bone freezing wind that races past your chin when you ski, or the hair tousling water splashing wind when you sail. the over whelming stretches of white snow underneath your feet, spreading out in front of you as far as you can see, or the heaving body of heavy molasses like water that sea is. choppy they call it, but to me it just plain power. nature's might. or cool refresihng breeze when you cycle down the cliff, blue water on one side, green fields on the other and blue sky above. you could be flying. or snaking down the criss cross of highways or train tracks, safely behind a glass screen, but still awe struck by the colours of nature. of course in the latter case, the wind doesn't touch you, but you do get the point.

windsor, brighton, newcastle and cowes. this is just in the summer in london. as compared to the one year in barcelona when i went around andalucia, basq country, costa brava and leida. so far my choices have been quite partial to nature but then i am already making plans for the summer travel, and the tickets can be maddeningly and confusingly cheap.. hurry before offers close! so far i have managed to add abit of civilization element to the travel plan thats taking shape in my mind. summer in italy, cradel of civilization in greece and just plain european vanity in france. maybe switzerland is a better choice for trip with family. anf germany and nordics can wait for the next break. and one day, i will go around india. the real india, allowing it to overwhlem me, taking it all in with a fresh perspective. south america, japan, china,, and maybe even the US eventually.. quite a few destinations there, only so many years i have, need to make the most of it...!

till then, its gonna be movies, catching up big time, places and people.. preparing for the journey.. and in between when i find time, i work to prepare the finances :)

the world of art

the first few weeks in london, i was taking in the commercial success, the touristy sights, and the changing weather. gradually the cliched notions about karan johar deriving the inspiration of his next story and the range of arty posters along the escalators in the tube stations began to catch my attention. what was it about london that was so vibrant? london and new york - the twin capitals of the world - what was it that i was missing here?

and then i started taking it in. one day randomly out of office we landed up at a jamaican poetry recital. 4 poets, equally quirky, but what entertainment. below the words and the performance, there were the pangs of migration, of black versus white, of generation gap coming out of being raised in different cultures. children's poems about how a grandma wouldnt let a child take a meagerly sandwich in his picnic lunch box, but packed him a sumptous meal instead. or the one where the poet played the flute and sang a very unusual moving song about that felt like unrequited love. or the one about the power and might of a carribean woman.. i was soaking up a new language, a new culture.. then another day i caught a photo exhibition on urban africa. each country and capital meticulously detailed out in its architectural evolution. and right next door an amazing display of innovations to make resources more sustainable, right from Puma's clever little bag to the Spanish ecohub, i cudnt stop taking pictures even with my awful camera..

and then the streets itself. each area has its signature style, be it the office going suit clad guy running down an escalator, or the andheri like shopkeepers in whitechapel, women in make up and short dresses, or artistic groups gathering together for artistic inspirations in workshops and museums.. i happened to watch vicky christina barcelona in the midst of this all, and the sheer freedom of thought amazed me.. call it artistic talent or eccentricity, there is an undercurrent in this city that has that element in it.. and thats excites me! i wonder if people who grew up here, realise this or maybe its never been new for them.. ? i continue to figure it out..

Gift List

everytime i get a first salary, i like to get little souvenirs for my loved ones. i have had the honour of having more than one first salaries so far, but my parents are one step ahead. they always have the same response. yahan sab kuch milta hai. we get everything we want here. right from the shirts i gifted dad that he would criticise for the wrong collar shape or the cheap price tag, to the big jewelled earring that was too heavy for my mom's ear lobes. to the french manicure kit that i got for didi which she says would be too tedious to use. my brother is "too proud" (his words) to ask me for anything except when it comes to a beatles t-shirt or a butter chicken treat. to mehul, who always asks for "a gift-wrapped me". but i am getting better at this. i have decided to give them memories rather than useful gifts. that they can't buy in the supermarket. and now comes the best part. i still technically spend the money on myself for buying that camera, but its the best gift i can give them. photographs.

its true that london has amazing things. things of convenience. but its more in the system rather than an item that you can gift to someone in india. starting with the transport system that helps you stop nagging with auto rickshaw fellows, dish washing, laundry machine monsters, or even well-behaved professional house help that helps you stop nagging with the classic indian maid. the one who would have to take leaves when her husband beats her up, or she has to make arrangements for the endless list of family and festivals. grocery although not fresh, but still the range available and easy to use when you don't have your mom at home. the forgotten assumed guarantee of electricity, water, gas and internet. cold weather and absence of dust that doesn't make you feel dirty and smelly when you come from outside. food doesn't go bad if left out overnight, there is not problem of not being able to store milk because you don't have a fridge like back in koregaon park. pedestrian is king of the street, never mind a super swanky porsche carrera racing towards you. and the sheer range of body care products, bodyshop - foot odour removing cream, cocoa butter cream and what not. its better in london, in barcelona i first used the shower gel thinking it was body lotion. :)

but coming back from the digression, these are things that are more about the life here, the life of convenience. what has been built over ages of fighting the harsh weather conditions, and bringing a discipline into people's lives to help them succeed. so for now i just focus all my gift funds on getting that awesome camera and sending back amazing pictures home. world here i come.