understanding perceptions

my american flatmate steve threw a thanksgiving party last night. it was an elaborate spread, predominantly traditional american thanksgiving dishes with a hint of international flavour here and there. i made apple pie. youtube is very resourceful when it comes to trying out new recipes, i usually research 4-5 methods of cooking and then consolidate all the nuances and tricks into my experiment. this time it was the second time i tried it. for me, apple pie is what i used to have at german bakery, it had raisins in it and cashew garnishing on top. for americans this brings forth a reaction,"what the hell is this! cashew sets my expectations to cashew pudding, but there is apple inside and raisins.. jeez!!" the funny part is when christian said all this to me, he didn't know i was the one who had made the pie, he did feel bad about being to harsh.. it was then that i realised how touchy people can be about traditions, particularly when it comes to americans and thanksgiving food.

earlier in the day we had a field visit in our management in service sector course. it was a trip to hotel arts which is a ritz carlton managed hotel. they took us around the entire place - from the fancy 3-bedroom apartments which are priced at 2500 euros a night to the housekeeping area where the little sachets of shampoo are stacked. my first reaction was that i don't belong here. i didn't want to touch anything, as if i was intruding on the perfection and immaculate setting. some of my classmates loved the atmosphere, they would enjoy trashing the place and then have it perfect again the next morning. as if little magical elves were at work during the night. the restaurant which had a concept woven in, but which to me looked like a bathroom. my more lasting reaction was - why are they doing this? wissam was amused i was questioning so much. i understand that they are showing us the luxurious setting because they anticipate future business from us, but the back-end operation? are they open to employing us? they do have a "we are ladies and gentlemen in the service of ladies and gentlemen" concept. empowering employees to feel respectful about their job, as much as they would respect their customers. but why would a team of 6 people spend an hour taking us bunch of casually dressed students around this super fancy hotel?

the previous day there was another interesting incident. my economics professor was saddened to note that for his son doing a noble deed was equivalent to sending food to africa. he went on to give us statistics of how less than 0.001 proportion of people in the continent were affected by poverty, hunger, war, crime and all the bad things. my take-away from this class was that the prof was trying to say that africa is not a pothole of hungry starving people. celebrities who show demonstrate their nobleness by helping africans only manage to show one side of the story. there are people who are suffering there, but there are also people who are studying, working and trying to improve their living conditions. if you go to africa, you wont find starving people everywhere, you will see roads, building and signs of growth. however another set of people like amy, dobo and basani were upset that the prof was implying that nothing is wrong, or that africa is not poor or that one should not send food to africa or aim to volunteer there.

in the end from the above examples, i am trying to question our perceptions. be it the apple pie, or the intention of the jordi from hotel arts, or amy who spent last 5 yrs helping poor children. how much of truth do we really know, and how much do we really understand what a different person thinks? when confronted with the unknown, what is our first reaction? do we seek the black or the white in a picture? remember the picture of a cow which children detect easily but adults don't... because as we grow up, we learn to focus on black? does it make us feel better about ourselves to go and serve in africa while ignoring the starving population of our own country? does it make us feel safe that we are able to detect some hidden motive of the hotel's team? does it make us secure that by not trying the raisin filled apple pie, we have preserved our tradition? who are we - and how much of it is perceptions?

collaboration

i had a discussion once with sam about what inspires her to succeed. what she said amounted to defeating people, and it left me unsettled. something felt wrong, what would she do if there was noone to defeat? then we had a discussion in my ethics class about competition vs. competence. being able to work on the basis of one's competence and not let competition be the motivating factor. that settled the question. and then i came across more live examples of this difference.

iese's case study method is all about collaboration. we study together, we learn from each other and we grow with each other now and over the years. thats what the value of this network is. its not just carrying wine bottles to casual gatherings, its about being able to trust people around you that they have the ability and willingness to help you in your trouble and that they will do it without expecting a payment.. its a good turn that will deserve a good turn in the future. i tried explaining the same to manu also. for him the whole point of studying is to be the top of his class. he doesnt want to help his classmates, because that may lead to them doing better than him. my parents would also question me when i helped my classmates, but for me it always benefited me too. the discussion helped me understand the concept better. and i tried telling my brother that if you help someone who genuinely needs help, you are helping the class move faster. coz if you dont help, then the student will ask the professor, which will then slow down the entire class. if the person doesn't need help and is just wasting everyone's time, even then by trying to help him you might be able to get him interested.

its also probably the same when it comes to relationships. its not you vs. me. its you and me. who is making the choice and who is adapting to the choice - thats not collaborating in a relationship. thats competing, comparing and that doesn't last long. i spoke to my mom and she tried to give me the black and white picture of women having to take care of the family or not being able to have one because they are too focused on their career. the man is the bread winner. but there is a grey area - where the man and the woman share - and the family is a result of this collaboration, a product of mutual understanding and a balancing act based on mutual strengths.

i have understood this value and have started collaborating for work, for dgdw, for my courses, for my business idea. there is this power of brainstorming with like minded people - intellectually and exposure-wise too. right now i cherish this in the iese envt. being surrounded by people who understand the way you think and even without you having to explain it all. and who help you think further by probing your thoughts in the right direction. this will soon go away, when its time to face the real world. right now is like a preparation time, to fine-tune your ability to collaborate with people and work on mutual strengths. true ability to lead is when you can identify people's interests and get them to leverage that. the time to face the real world will also be a time to ask yourself - am i ready to test it outside iese?

and the times are changing

i started this post two weeks, so its the date of two weeks ago that you will see. times have been changing for much ago and continue to do so.. i am only getting my head around it now.. it was probably the 12th of november 2010.

you know what a glass shattering moment is? when you suddenly see the truth of a situation which you have been living for a long time but never realised. its like the truth was just out of your glass bubble, just out of your sight. then a trigger shattered the bubble and you are out there in the open. your reflex is to defend yourself. but what you are defending against is a change that has already happened in the past. like falling out of love in the movie socha na tha. or waking up to find childhood likes outdated in the movie 13 going on 30.

after the defensive reaction you start to accept the truth. it hurts. you oscillate between being in denial to finding justification. why this happened, why i didnt see it coming, why i didnt realise earlier, why it became to late to amend, why nothing can be done no more. why. why. why. just like learning the 5-why framework in your strategy class, at times like these also, finding answers to these whys should solve the problem. it doesnt because we get emotional about it. so we find other defence mechanisms. we talk to people, we do roleplays, we get into political correctness and analysis. we also get into blaming, bitterness and finding faults.

and then we find more constructive ways. like making other drastic changes. surround yourself with so many changes that all you are able to do is cope with change. no more refuge of a comfort zone. people will judge this way or that, might as well let them. stop drinking maybe. then you take one more step and start doing something new. take the change to a whole new level. learn playing the guitar. maybe. yes.

the final step is to close the attachments in the past. full closure. takes time, and right now i am yet to reach that stage. maybe start with folding photos and words. dont fight them, they are memories and in the past. they need to be preserved but not displayed in the present anymore. time will heal and when talking about them doesnt hurt anymore, then you know its done.

DGDW update

been an interesting ride so far. 3 keynote speakers, 45 panel speakers confirmations, and more partnerships than before. iese's support in terms of faculty, advisors, administration and media, and even reaching out to Phd and GEMBA students, we have come a long way. from last year when i heard about responsible business and social entrepreneurship for the first time, today i understand what it means and have begun to interact with people from this sector. exploring what inspires people and how wonderful experiences are created from a germ of an idea.

dgdw for me has also been about learning to work with people. managing commitments, my own and of the team members, empathising and learning to leverage every individual's working style. like Ana points out to me, the key is to understand how and why a person behaves in the particular situation, in the particular way that he does. not how and why i would behave in that particular situation. from small things like being prompt on at least reading emails, or larger things to honouring commitments. not to be taken advantage of. what i dislike the most is when people try to manipulate, without having the courage to say it on the face. and then what i tell her, to be flexible, to try and figure out a best solution rather than getting worked up about how things are not working. balancing out extreme scenarios and working on a middle path. partnering with people and taking the risk. then there are difficult decisions to take - if someone is not working, how to tell motivate him to work. if i cant motivate him, confront him. if i cant confront him, i find a way of getting the work done. there is one difference - that of a formal authority. no matter the responsibility i have taken, i am still a peer. and when the volunteer has signed up, i do have the authority, but i cant use the appraisal mechanism to get him to work when the motivation doesn't work. somewhere its my fault too, that i do not have as much authority which would make him listen to me. but oh well.

and then you see the world through a different glass. who you are compatible with, who you are not. what inspires people and what makes them expect things. how you can limit your responsibility and involvement, but then at the last minute if things dont work, you know you wil step in to control things. sometimes, people leave responsibilities on you anyway, and expect you to commit by virtue of having been granted a responsibility. and you take it even when you know that in a vice versa scenario, they will not do the same. but you behaving like them to show them how they behave, has never solved the situation or conveyed the message.. has it? you rather go about your way of doing things and letting the evaluations for the one above.

in the end the t account gets squared anyway.. and things move on. life as i see it now, has just begun and the corporate world will play out this drama on a bigger and better scale. contribution, responsibility and credit aren't necessarily correlated, but then neither is satisfaction. you decide your own levels and move on. in the end its all transitory anyway. enjoy the action while it lasts.