a problem of expectations

vs. ambitions. who am i? what is my value as an mba? what should my level of expectations vs. my level of ambition be? who decides it?

i was on riding high on a wave of solving case studies in class, as part of discussions aided by colleagues and professors. people who had a matching mental frequency, who understood a common language as well as a common jargon. intelligent jargon, and yet just a smart packaging of common sense. i remember the last argument i had with my team. i had proposed a solution based on best practices followed in other industries, and they thought talking about this would be equivalent to bullshit because it was just plain common sense. which company would not already know that? but that company didnt, it had forgotten the benefit of applying that particular common sense. so riding on that wave of business understanding, i was looking forward to my internship. socha tha sab mba honge, iese ko pehchanenge, wah kya discussions honge, but nahi.. it is a mixed world, the real world, and i am coming back to the real world. politics, mediocracy, defensiveness, resistance to change, lack of efficient processes, complicated people management.. and my mba dream is demystifying. wasn't it magical how common sense could be packaged into frameworks - but to implement it is another ball game. if only everyone had the wisdom to uncrack this magic, no frameworks would be required anyway.

but again, where do i draw the line? what is the set of tasks, that i am not supposed to work on? what can i expect out of an internship except to get a full-time offer? and what is the great achievement i have done by finishing first yr mba? what have i learnt so far? when will i apply it? how do my friends and ex colleagues see me as? how do my manager and my team see me as?

i realize i have changed - is this the bane of being ambitious? then again, isn't it be better to create an opportunity out of every situation that i am in? if nothing is perfect, there will always be scope for improvement, and i still have the freedom of choosing the technique for improvement..

on an ending note.. what do i expect out of my personal life? how many hours is ideal to work on a daily basis? how can i ensure that i can prepare and eat rotis everyday when i get back home? how can i start thinking about settling down? is it too early, do i have ambitions to chase? or do i want a house, with plants, a pet and someday a family.. this scene from "Batman begins" refuses to leave my mind - the last scene where Bruce Wayne finds his childhood toy stethoscope among the ashes of his burnt ancestral home, and is thinking of building it back brick by brick to how it used to be. when will i find a new home for my childhood treasures? is that expecting too much and too soon?

all about cleanliness?

apologize at the foremost, coz this post is gross. but i need to vent out my annoyance!!!

so its about bathroom cleanliness. and feel free to stop reading from now on. i have always been a cleanliness freak, and particularly when it comes to the bathroom. the drainhole, the water closet, the washbasin has to be kept clean. and i dont consider this wastage of water, its for good use, for the larger cause of being healthy. i admit to lapses in this attitude too, but those are rare occurances.

mom was the forebearer of this attitude at home, so i dont ever remembered bothering about it. but pune brought out the cleanliness freak in me. irrevocably.

now my problem is with some people not flushing the toilet after using it. and this is as discreet as i can get. over the last one year, i have been puzzled by this behaviour, but i can't think of a strong enough reason. after moving to london, i thought things will go back to normal. i have my own bathroom, and no sharing means no interferences either. the problem started when the drainhole was clogged. its disgusting really. unlike in my previous home, there is no plunger here either. so i went to the extent of getting a 500ml cleaning liquid, happily walking home thinking how clean my bathroom is going to be. and then as i am gearing up to pour "Mr.Muscle" down the drain, i notice something. its almost as if the water closet is screaming, "i was not flushed". and that was it. i have decided i am going to investigate this and bring the perpitrator to justice. enough is enough.

and finally, internet helps me vent out my frustration. first coz i am not the only one in this world suffering from this frustration. and yahoo gives me quite a few perspectives (link below) on why this would be a not very rare phenomenon. but also, i am able to vent it out on my blog. no hard feelings, and on my side there aren't anymore either.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090916132657AAwAaGO

Forgiveness

i first heard this song at the suggestion of a friend. it is a beautiful song by Eagles, you need to search by the name 'the heart of the matter'.. talks about forgiveness in love, in life.. i remembered this song when i was looking through my personality assessment report. it put forgiveness as one of my weaknesses, and honestly, i had a mixed reaction. i know i dont forgive easily, unless i.e. if i forget, and in a way i have taken it as a symbol of strength and self preservation. but the assignment in my ethics course (which was to follow the personality assessment) got me thinking about it again.

am i like the protagonist of "devil wears prada" who smiles back at her colleague, even she is less qualified and more nasty? or am i like the protagonist of "devil wears prada" who throws the mobile off into the fountain just after her devil of a boss has expressedthat she is now ready to evolve and reach her boss's heights.. maybe both, maybe neither.. i like to be a good person, and so does everyone. i don't like to be taken for a ride, adn i certainly don't entertain nonsensical behaviour. if it doesnt make sense, it doesnt. but there are exceptions for people who are genuine, for people i like..

but pressing issue about forgiveness is to not get into a tit for tat game. someone hurts you, but you dont have to behave like him to make him realise how bad it felt. coz then there is no difference between you and him, and you fall into a vicious circle of each trying to demonstrate the other faults. like i said earlier, you are just relegated to a mirror of faults.

and the key solution is to realise that everything is not meant to revolve around you.. its not meant to hurt you, its just meant to be and in the process it happened to hurt you. so you let it happen its way and you go your way. if it hurts you, you let it go and start afresh. without having to forget, you are forgiving. letting go of the knot for more yarn to come in.. and maybe the knot will dissolve on its own sometime unexpectedly soon..

and so i landed in london

I land in london, quite an uneventful flight except that i slept through breakfast. and then almost had a heart attack when i couldn't find my bags for an hour.. but reached all right and settled in fine. office is nice, team is good, work is interesting, have been picking up well so far. and then...

B****** k*.. kya ho gaya agar (some business terminology). Kya kar lenge.. m* ch********?? It was like I had been electrocuted. I am in citi alright, or am I watching an Omkara-type profanity-filled movie again? I looked around for the source of this barrage, and discovered it was the senior guy’s cabin in front of my desk. he probably didnt realise there was an indian intern right there.. there was a storm of mixed emotions building up in my head, shock, amazement, disbelief and surprisingly (but then maybe not) relief..

This was probably the final missing piece in my jigsaw, of why this place seemed so familiar. Right from cubicle arrangement of desks furnished with desktops, extension lines, and 3 drawers on the side to the coffee vending machine in the pantry area and the broader cafeteria. You catch Aishwarya Rai gossip on the common TV in the breakfast zone, you find people sorting personal issues over the company extensions, heads glued to their monitors so that you may rarely see their faces, and not to forget the team wide lunches and meetings enjoying dairymilk chocolate. Of course this place goes beyond all this, a book club within the pantry area, tastier vegetarian options, taller and fancier buildings, suit clad men and women and last but not the least the sprawling city outside. But I feel at home. Only the content of the documentation reminds me that this is another time, but otherwise I feel I have been here for a long time.

London hasn’t even begun to amaze me yet. So far I have just got my phone and grocery fixed, my accommodation is really homey thanks to the kind LBS students. And Sherlock holmes is nearby to revive a childlike enthusiasm in me. The weather can be cold, but when the sun comes out and warms your skin, I can tell you there is no happier feeling. The range of options are incredible, right from consumer goods to entertainment to celebrities, everything here is king-size. Queen-size rather. And then there is the ubiquitous Indian, every place you go there are more Indians than any nationality, British included. Right from shops to our CEO, they are all Indian. You can say the density would be like 1 person per sq meter here. I guess I am beginning to understand what the London dream means to us..