rediscovering ones assets

for the meaning of the post, you have to read till the end. have some patience please.

i was catching up with rohan after a long time. actually after january, but probably i talked to him more than i ever have. he is new to facebook and was checking out my pictures probably, coz he said to me - "pathak tu dhang ke kapde pehenna seekh hi gayi. lekin hairstyle wo hi hai kabse. change kar daal, maal dikhegi." its funny and i quote it here, because i have been thinking about the following post for a while now. so here goes. looking at all these years, each haircut has marked a turning point. which makes me think that now that i am at a turning point, maybe its time for a haircut again.

two months ago, again there was a turning point in my personal life, so i went for a clean-up - just removing split ends - and this time the hairdresser completely changed my perception of what is stylish and what is not. she made me feel good about the fragments or remnants of hair around my face. i would always try to lay them flat against the rest of the scalp, trying to hide them because they were just too small or light or useless to go anywhere. but she blew them all out and let them hover around my face, giving it a softer outline. i thought at first that it looked like a lion's mane, but gradually i started noticing around that this actually looked nice, was completely natural and easy to replicate. she also blew the top of my head, which gave it some volume and i figured a simple way of doing it regularly without the need to go to a parlour, or use a blow dryer. the way i like - easy and simple and yet stylish enough to my taste. and most importantly, she didnt say a word about the thinness, or the flatness, nor did she turn up her nose at the lack of shine. finally, i dont feel like an oddity because of my colour or nature of my hair - unlike the rich black healthy braids one can spot everywhere in india - particuarly in maharashtra.

rewind a bit to the history - i always had a boyish cut until i started growing my hair when i was around 11 years old. my sister had lovely hair and of course i wanted the same as her. too many turning points there, that we can sum it all up as growing up. then after many years of long braids that were increasingly getting thinner, i cut them to shoulder length in std 12. that was when i was preparing for competitive exams and moved out of bharat nagar. those were rebellion years when nothing seemed to be working out. i finally landed in rknec and after the first year everything seemed to be coming back to normalcy. but by the time i reached third year, i wanted a change again. my brother once commented that from a distance it looked like there was a lizard on my back instead of my braid. and plus i was the jassi of the college - the simpleton in salwar kameez and glasses - and even the character had had a makeover. so it was time for the lizardy braid to go, but no further makeover happened really. one could say that when i needed to change focus in my life, i got a haircut. it feels nicer to say - when i had to study harder i would cut my hair...

i also got some style cuts done. in final year though i got a uber cool cut which was supposed to give my hair a lot of volume and make them look more than they were. i also picked up some massage tactics from the hairdresser, which i use to this day. but those uber cool million steps were too difficult to tame, so i spent the next 3 years trying to outgrow them and have a common length again. once i was really mad after a heated argument and just stormed off to the parlour to cool down. that was the time i got layers, and hated the resulting effect of having hair wandering all over my face all the time. then another time when my sister took me for an oil massage and styling session. i loved the way the hairdresser blow-dried it, but it was too elaborate a process and i ended up missing my flight and missing ankur's brother's wedding - for which the styling was intended for in the first place. but it did lead to a good result at my sisters wedding a few days later, and the evidence is in the pictures. that was probably the nicest look i have had. then two years ago, i had an emotional breakdown on the day of my flight to spain. and mom and mami in trying to humour me, insisted i get a stylish cut, so that i look like i "am going to spain". wonder what that means, but it did take my mind off the crying. the result was less than shoulder length hair - which was not supposed to be tied up and did make me look girlier. the way i was crying i probably was girlier than i thought.

cut to today. i am more fond of the longer hair look, - and so are some people too - hence its back to where it was. i dont think i will change the length drastically, but pay it the attention it deserves. my experience at the spanish salon taught me a lesson. everything you have is an asset, you just need to learn how to acknowledge and distinguish it. even unruly fragments can look nice if treated well. and that lesson probably can be applied to many more things in life too...

please dont stop the music

it all started last term when i started going to bows regularly to keep the flag of the dgdw team high - to show the others that the team was not dying out of the pressure of working for dgdw. first it was not very exciting, my hesitation persisted owing to the loud volume, the crowded spaces and the makes-more-sense-to-drink-alcohol if-you-want-to-drink-even-if-you-are-just-plain-thirsty concept. then gradually i started enjoying the music, as i remembered it and recognised it and could feel myself moving to it. when i went to india, i missed the music and the bow the most out of the mba life, and the moment i would hear a familiar song, the sense of excitement would amaze me. after coming back, i started planning to attend bows, unlike earlier when it would just be a last minute decision; and that also meant i would dress-up for it. then i started enjoying the dance, really staying as long as possible to groove to the music. like rihanna says - i just wanna dance, i don't really care...

my recent picks are three songs that i absolutely love dancing to - enrique's tonight i'm loving you, usher's falling in love, j lo's on the floor. then there is also a beautiful world, discovered as recently as a few days ago and a bunch of songs by black eyed peas and rihanna. which brings to another discovery - spotify. i only have a few lists so far, but the sheer joy of being able to have youtube like search engine experience with no worries about quality or buffering and the convenience of making a playlist out of it, its just exhilarating. i am not very efficient at using it yet. but i am beginning to appreciate and enjoy it.

until now it used to be more of appreciation of the music than of the dance. you would watch movies, and associate songs with the context, such that when you felt something in your life, you would remember the song and express it that way. dance was neither a medium of expression nor a passion. songs like kya mujhe pyar hai, abhi na jao chhod kar meant everything, and even today there is a list of songs that inspire me in any and every crossroad of my life. they tug at my heart - but that also make me feel guilty that i have not kept up with my ability to sing them. such that when i try, its almost embarrassing. not only the singing, but also the guitar, which i never really tried despite living with 2 awesome guitar players and willing teachers and having one instrument completely at my disposal. but then as a saving grace, i can say that the list of such songs has also expanded - from "whats a fella to do in p.s. i love you to the melodies of moulin , just like bollywood situational melodies.

and then i look back to see that how important dance has always been for me. an expression of excitement and joy - but i had never been able to channel it out properly. its not the same to dance in your room in such a constricted space, where you dont have the joy of being able to coordinate your moves with someone, just share that excitement of knowing a move, or just partnering and being able to create a move - an experience in its own. and that is what i have discovered in these last few months. the moves are all locked inside, i just need that outlet - to free the dancer within, just for the beauty of the feeling, of the happiness that one feels when those moves make you out of breath and stress out your muscles. be it the salsa that i spent two years learning, or the samba that i can barely imitate after a brief session at the carnival and the brazilian party, or the more "indecent" moves where you really use your body, not caring about who is watching and what you are making someone else feel. its something you want to do, something that makes you feel good and thats all the reason thats needed to do it.

pat says "you are a dancer at heart" and sarang says "you are a free spirit" and i guess dancing lets both these characteristics out for me. wearing the right clothes, the right music, the right lyrics, the right partners, the right lighting and the right mood induced either by company or events or just a plain mohito - its amazing how it all just fits together. and i find it difficult to believe now that i had this big chunk of my life missing till date. i guess its also a cultural thing. i never had the chance to dance socially, i didn't party and i didnt go to dance events. i performed on stage when i could but that was rare and in any case it was a different ball-game altogether. and even then it was bollywood, or on once in a blue moon chance a kathak. even when i was learning kathak in pune, it was more of a course than an expression of emotions for me. i had never been able to let go. until now.

and now although i am going to miss the bow culture and the amazing dance partners, i am going to find more reasons to continue dancing, to learn more forms and to keep exploring and expressing.