illusions of reality

i was reading the palace of illusions. its a feminist narration of the mahabharata, told from Draupadi's persepctive. there are other versions and narratives on the mahabharata that you would want to read, just to get a balanced understanding of the characters - mrityunjay, yaganta. and the good old mahabharata. but this one has moved me deeply.

the woman who caused it all, the woman whose name would never be given to any child. and all because of her misguided sense of loyalty which pricked Karna's ego, her misguided sense of pride which pricked Duryodhana's ego and her misguided sense of redemption which pricked the Pandava's ego, and most of all Yudhisthira's. she wanted to rule, to belong, to fulfill her destiny of changing the world. and she got all she wanted. and more. so much more that she couldn't handle it anymore. the two questions that stayed behind with me are - do we really need all that we want? what if we want all that we do realising its far fetched, but then we get it all? the palace of illusions which caused the rise and the fall of the pandavas and eventually led to the great war - did they really need it? the redemption that she wanted for her honour - did she realise how she unleashed the destruction of the kauravas and as a result scores of families friends kith and kin?

the illusions of reality. we chase these illusions, because it drives us, pushes us to work hard and to strive through suffering, looking for the end of the tunnel when there will be light. thats what our parents tell us - work a bit more and it will lead you to a good job.. or much earlier - just a little bit more to finish your homework and then you can go play.. and we go on striving. we build hopes and stories in our minds, we compare, we wish, we dream, we want. sometimes we work through our dejections, taking solace in the fact that aiming for the stars will at least take us to the mountain top. but then all of a sudden dark clouds clear up and you realise you have reached the stars. you just flew over the mountain top while you were looking at the dark clouds.

there's a completely different book that i will reference here. twilight. in that story, she fell in love with a vampire, knowing fully how insane that was. she saw him and wanted to touch his face. when she first saw him she never imagined he would notice her. when he noticed her, she never imagined he would interact with her. when he interacted with her, she never imagined he would like her. when he liked her she never imagined she could touch his face. when she touched his face she never imagined he would hold her hand. when he held her hand she never imagined he would ever kiss her. when he did kiss her, she never imagined he would want her. when he did want her she never imagined she could have him. and then when she had him, she had him for life. it all worked out. it all started as an illusion for her and then became reality too.

sometimes i am sitting at work and all of a sudden i find myself look at where i am, what i am doing. and thinking back from those years riding my bicycle to coaching class, or crossing german bakery to get to the bus stop. did i ever believe i would be here, doing this? i never thought i could afford studying or working abroad. that i would be away from family on three consecutive diwalis. that i would be single at this time. but all this is my reality now. and now sitting here in this moment, i cant imagine how i am going to be able to repay my obligations, go home and settle down. how i am going to take that chance to fulfill my heart's calling, or reach for the stepping stones which i recognised in the mba. is this my illusion? am i just going to settle down in the known familiar mundane? but on the other hand, do i have to courage to see these illusions turn into reality?

want it from all your heart and you will get it. but are you able to take what you want what you get? or in the process of wanting, do you forget it could become real and be overwhelming? think about what you ask for. coz when you get it, you will not know how to monitor and control it. ask yourself a hundred questions before you take every step, and make those ten fold for each person that your action might impact. you are bigger than you credit yourself to be and you are the harbinger of more karma that keeps the cycle of this life going. what is mine. what is his. isnt it all fleeting. what is my need against what is my desire. what is anger, ego, jealousy, passion. what do i want and what do i want it for. what do i have. do i really have it. do i really need it. what does anyone really want.

in defense of womankind

we are as normal as men think men to be normal. we are just different on a different scale. kind of like we are Centigrade normal while men are Fahrenheit normal. having set that context, i would like to state a few more key differentiating elements of that scale - for the benefit of one and all. these are definitely applicable to all women and after that we all have our own quirks, dont we?

we like to hug. hugging is not a seductive physical activity for us. its a gesture of affection, of conveying all that you feel without having to demean emotions into things like words. it makes us feel warm and cozy and comfortable that you are not embarrassed by the hug. it gets even better if you demonstrate affection like stroke our hair and pull us close. and we like to hug a lot. its like smiling and passing on that smile. i just want to hug you, or i just want you to hold me, mean exactly the same things for us. its not deferring further action, its just a different action, a different communication. just like saying i want an appetizer doesn't mean i dont want to have main course or dessert.

we love talking. if we are asked how our day was, we explain how our day was. we dont say pretty good to that question. if we are asked what we do all day, we say what we did all day. we dont say nothing much to that question. so ask us the question accordingly. we give details because we like to know details. we keep talking because we want to fill the silence, hoping something we might say might remind you of something interesting to tell us. just like it reminds us. we keep talking till you remember something to interrupt us and start describing to us. when communicating over sms or call while at work, we can multitask. talking with you doesnt mean we stop working. we can do both and we dont realise you cant. we also dont realise that its tough for you to take out time of work to answer to us. when you dont answer we think the conversation is not important enough, or you dont have anything to say. coz thats when we would not answer.

we believe in strategic and timely conversations. and we dont forget small details. so we remember when you are nice to us and when you are not nice to us. we use a example for an argument when it is most appropriate. we dont like to crib all the time. so we collect related incidents, draw the hypothesis and test it all out at once. we are not being vicious, we are just being efficient - cite the argument and support it with facts.

we think a lot. and all the time. and we dont do it consciously. when we want to empty our minds or thought, we meditate. we dont stare. and we like to know what others are thinking, it helps us strike a conversation. we dont mean to intrude, we dont mean to interrupt your meditation or staring. "what are you thinking" is a conversation starter and cannot elicit the response "nothing". we just dont understand how you can think nothing. we try and we fail. we even try to think nothing and we fail at that too. but i guess for you to understand how we can always be thinking is even more of a puzzle. check out this link to have the situation broken down and explained.

well so thats a summary to start with, hope some find it useful.. thanks to this movie scene.. :)

death of an iCon

the other day my flatmate was showing off his new friend and assistant and problem solver. she answers his questions, reminds him of all that he needs to remember, makes calls on his behalf and even tells him how nice he is - siri on his iphone 4s. its technology taking the place of an assistant, a secretary, some might even say their ageing mothers. i believe technology makes skill redundant. check out around you - taxi drivers vs gps, photographers vs dslr camera, customer service vs IVR systems, airline staff vs. automated checkin. humans are being taken out the system so that things happen more smoothly, customers have better experience and minimum complaints...

sounds cynical doesn't it? technology does make systems more efficient and takes the human element out, but it also helps us focus human effort on developing better technologies, implementing them around the world and making lives easier for more people. technology helps us focus on brain-work and takes care of the mundane work. but we are like that. we are cynical and we look at the negatives more easily and more willingly in anything and everything. lets go back to siri for a bit and take the example of the founder of Apple - Steve Jobs.

he didnt live to see how the world reacted to siri. facebook was flooded with condolence messages. apple stores saw people setting up little memorials for Steve and laying out flowers, candles, even fruits in his memory. everyone hailed him as a hero, the changer of a generation and a inspiration. but then gradually other perspectives started spanning out, highlighting his other face. An article explained among other things, what a miserable boss he was..

his story mesmerises us. that's why some of us feel inspired and some of us resent his fame. we all want to be like him, to be talked about, to be successful, to be mourned by the world when we die. he didnt have any of it when he was born and given away, and then had it all when he died. didnt he lose it all then? doesnt he deserve to be commended for all that he achieved and brought to our lives? and yet some of us only want to point out his fallacies. his story is one of balancing extremes - abject poverty and blinding richness, science and art, success and failure, beating cancer and succumbing to it. and in the end the tragedy of it all, of a hero, ties us to him, to the personality, to the story and to the inspiration. we idolize him knowing well how real and how human and how full of mistakes he was. what matters in the end is the legacy he left behind and for which he will always be remembered. he succeeded, he changed the world, touched each of our lives in some way. he infused passion into something as mundane as a commodity, he demonstrated the power of taking chance, of being down and out and then experiencing meteoric success. no matter if he was a controlling, vicious tyrant, as can be seen from the way he controlled - his clothes, his style, his madness, his privacy - he created an unparalleled revolution.

i like this link which summarises the top ten lessons his life taught us all, and I would just like to pay a tribute to him by recounting what his life has and will continue to teach me. While some may not give him credit, but i will compare with some of the greatest inspiring personalities..

remember to be humble in the wake of failure as in resounding success, and to never lose sight of the clear certain end we all have in our lives. bring it all down to simple. follow your heart. your instinct. touch people's lives and you will create a brand in your worth. you have to trust that the dots will connect back into something. that will give you the confidence to believe in yourself and in what you really want to do (mandela like). love your work. if you havent found it yet, keep looking (edison like). if today were the last day of my life, would i do what i am going to do today (gandhi like). your time is limited, so dont waste it by trying to live someone else's life (krishna like!). and finally the speech he gave at Stanford commencement.

stay hungry, stay foolish

memories and movies

you know how it is when you look around and see your past. your memories take shape and become real right in front of your eyes. and you can see how happy you were in that time, because that is exactly the reason why you remember the memory in the first place. or when you recount a story and you can see the images flash in front of your eyes. yesterday i was at an alumni event and i met an applicant. yeah an applicant at an alumni event, no big deal we are big hearted people. so she asked me, "tell me how your experience at iese was" and all of a sudden i had a flurry of images rush past, and for a second i didnt know where to start. friends, assignments, sorrow, excitement, professors, job search, dgdw, bows and so much more. i started to tell her about it and i would keep jumping from one story to the next one, unable to channel my excitement or control, almost bursting with pleasure at having the chance to reminisce. at one point, it was she who got exasperated and stopped me mid-way to say, your face lights up when you tell me about this experience! i have heard many people talk about their mbas, but never seen anyone so happy about it! i felt warm, really cozy deep down in my heart and really knew what it meant when your heart smiles. just two days before that i was at an mba fair and i got chatting with this girl who was almost looking lost in the fair, was on her way out because the people she wanted to speak to had already gone. i have never done this in my life before and usually i am not the one to start up small talk and turn it into even a decent conversation, forget a real one. but with her it turned out that she had questions about an mba and about selecting a college and i had genuine answers to all her questions. heck i even remembered her question when actually she forgot she had asked it! it just all came out so naturally and so effortlessly. i wasnt selling my school, i was sharing my experience with her and i was telling her why i enjoyed it so much and why i could do it all over again. effortless is the word to describe the description.

i think i get this from my dad. let me explain. he is a very thoughtful person, takes his time to go over things in his several times over and over again, and takes everyone's time to come to decision. so when i say i get this from him, its the thinking part - i would like to believe that in taking decisions i am like my mom. and this this realisation about thinking struck me when i joined them on their first europe trip. the first time outside the country, i could see myself in them - the way i had reacted and absorbed my surroundings when i had first landed in barcelona. he said it was like walking in a storybook, and that was exactly my reaction too. in fact mom recounts, my first description of london was that it felt like i was in noddy's world, sitting atop the cute red double decker bus and going around old brick building along the river. and then another time it was quite evident. i was trying to tell them how i would like to have a leather jacket, but everytime i try to buy it i hold it in my hand and it feel - and here i got stuck because i could describe what i was thinking. and then dad said it feels like real skin, not yet taken of the animal's body. of course he described what i only had in my head, he is my dad, and the smartest of all. but the fact that he had the same thought in his head too.

so yeah, mom and dad went around taking in the sights, the newness, the difference of lifestyle and just naturally fell into that role. just like i always aim for. even when they went up the mountain, they were natural about regulating their breathing and their pace, to enjoy the natural sights. althought they might have done hiking maybe 2-3 times and at least 10 years ago. their colleagues, on the other hand, were interested in marking tourist sights off their list and converting prices of souvenirs while deciding whether to buy or not. but my parents were absorbing the life. i felt so proud and so grateful. i could see my trips and my behaviour in those trips flash past in front of my eyes, never before have i identified myself so much with them. and even more, i saw in their eyes a reassurance, that i had found a place for myself to fit in here and yet not lose myself. mom mistook another girl for me as we dressed in a similar way and she was happy about it.. i saw in my mom her own self from at least 20 years ago. thats what it was - they were back in their days of youth, when they were starting a new life, and ready to absorb novelties, free from all the worries and hardships they were about to tackle.. this trip for them was carefree and effortless..

effortless is the word for expression when nostalgia hits me. i love to talk about it again and again and again. because when i talk the scenes come back, come alive and the emotions fill me. i wish i could make a movie of all these scenes in my head and then watch it over and over again so that i remember each minute detail and each emotion..

maybe thats what movies are all about.. memories and emotions and nostalgia and each one identifying with it in their own unique way.. thats why i like watching movies, because i look for myself in there, and wish that all the trouble there are lead to a good ending just like they do in the movies.. and in the midst of all that, there might be a few songs to hum along and dances to lose yourself to..