buddha speaks

Pain and suffering arises from expectations - and is hence self inflicted. Expectations of salary, of comfort, of furnished houses, of considerate property agents, of selfless giving, or prioritizing certain people over certain others only to find that for those certain people you belong to the certain others category, of wanting more and yet wanting nothing to change.

When i first studied buddha's principles of reason for all suffering is desire, I felt a bulb light up in my head. It was so true. If i don't desire anything, I wont suffer when I don't get it. I should stay simple, natural and that will keep my expectations to a minimum. But will I feel happy when I do get what I want when I haven't expected it? Or is happiness just other face of the coin? I forget that simple and natural is always a function of the environment I live in. In the hot weather of India, natural means I don't need to use skin products because the temperature already helps as requires me to intake much more liquids. But in the cold, dry weather of Europe, my skin needs care and protection. In the casual environment of college, simple means I don't need to use hair care products. It doesn't matter if my hair is all over the place, but in a bank, it is distracting and gives an impression of being careless. Which means I need to use products, spend time styling and maintaining it. so, if i have to suffer, i might as well enjoy while at it. Completely goes against my principle of simple living and high thinking. But maybe i can find a way to reconcile these two contrasting approaches.

and in broader terms, i have many expectations from my personal life. but if what i want is not what i am going to get, then what i do get doesn't really matter, does it? 19-20 ka fark ho bhi, to kya bigad jata hai? if my personal life has gone for a toss already because i am focusing on my career, then i rather make something worthwhile out of my career. travel the world, maybe aim higher and faster. if i am not going to make the threshold of the age of 30 for having a child, then i should just accept it and focus on what i can actually do in these next three years. maybe work on having that parallel career i had never thought to be feasible until i saw people here do it most comfortably. and the older they get the more adept they get at managing multiple careers, professional and personal responsibilities. reminds me of the multi-armed Indian goddesses. but speaking practically, i won't be the first one doing this anyway, and maybe at that future point, i will not have the loans looming over my head the way they are now. as compared to what i am doing now - trying to put my feet in two boats, or maybe even more than two boats.

i guess that's moving away from desire in a way.. isn't it? focusing on what you can have, do some feasibility analysis and then make the most of the present rather than fret over an uncertain future. prioritize and re-prioritize your life to make your world go around you, rather than those certain people. this last piece has been something i have always struggled with. going all the way, pushing it to my limits because i feel guilty for not devoting enough time and importance, only to find that they don't wait for you. maybe they don't even expect it from you. and then suddenly i am facing this vast space of time with not doing what i had initially booked it for while the tentative commitments to the certain others have expired or slipped past. and then this anger surges from within, scolding myself for getting caught up in the web of expectations from certain people, and expectations of their expectations from you, only to find it was all false estimation. and then self-preservation kicks-in. i have a life, i have my own set of people to care for, and my own set of things that i like doing. i am not going to sit around waiting for people and their plans and plan my life around it. that's probably the one and only thing that scares me about being a housewife. i don't get fulfillment from others even if i do seek and strive for it, and the disappointment just leads to a lot of negativity and anger and denial and closing up. not healthy, and definitely a dangerous vicious cycle. a part of me is trying to tell me to stop using the word self-preservation, that its just plain old selfishness. maybe it is, maybe it is not. all i know that in the end i am only answerable to myself. call it selfishness if you like.

Mindspace

the first time i heard this concept was in a marketing context. but here i want to talk about something else. more like the closet space in your mind. and how you use that closet space. which reminds me of my closet here. when i first opened it, i thought it had no space. but then i rearranged it, bought some stuff in, adapted a design to it, made adjustments to my idea of arranging clothes and the closet works fine now. same way it works for the mind too i guess.. like sherlock holmes - he didnt know that earth goes round the sun and when watson told him, he wanted to forget it. because it would take up unnecessary space in his mind.

be careful though.. there are things that can be more overpowering than a geographical fact. like how work takes up all that space in your head. i am trying to justify the trickling down of my blog posts.. work just expands and takes up everything in your life. reading is relegated to commute, and so is music. things like physical exercise are reduced to the 5 min walk during the course of the commute. i have started swimming, but everytime i go it gives me a runny nose and i stop swimming for the next week. at work you sit and stare at a screen all day, worrying about meeting the number targets, eating at your desk, and swallowing gallons of coffee. the sun is a picture on your laptop and friends are pictures on your facebook page.

thats sounds so depressing! work life is not so bad actually. you have money to start with, nice and smart people around you, you are engaged in meaningful and intelligent work, and you live in a vibrant city. the point however still remains, that one has to be careful to not let work absorb you in itself. remember you work for living, not live for working. keep time out to call friends, go for a movie, take an aimless stroll, watch tv, laze around on a sunday morning, enjoy a relaxed cooking and eating time at home.. you own your work and the pace at which you want it to run. when you notice that blogging has trickled down or has become nonsensical or shallow, you know the symptoms to figure out the problem AND find a cure.

and then there are worries to fill up that space. what if this doesnt happen, that doesnt happen. what if i can do this or that. what if i cant make everyone happy, or just those who i want to make happy. what if. sometimes i get caught up in that too and look for a sign. like in the movie p.s. i love you, she found the suspenders buckle and turned into a shoe designer. i wish i could have a sign that would say, its alright honey. this ones just another bump. hang in there, its almost over. its a nice approach as long as you dont start depending on it. signs are not what they are, they are only what you make of them. stop looking for them, when they appear on their own, thats when you will really feel the magic of a coincidence working out. and besides, you will never know whats gonna happen until it has, so forget trying to anticipate it. if you really want to be told that everything is going to be alright, then tell it to yourself. coz you are the one who knows exactly how you are feeling, and when you are feeling depressed. i read something today - dont think you cant do something. you always can, but if you say you cant, there is something that is making you not want to do it. figure that and sort it out. and you need a clear head for sorting out and checking yourself when you are being unreasonable or hiding behind a fear.

then you will see how you can do everything. keep a clear head. you got to clean-up rearrange, do whatever it takes but free up some space to make way for churning those thoughts around..

Courage and risk

"When you come across the devil, spit in his eye and he mind just turn his back on you.." as goes an old saying. Now if you come to think of it logically, the risk of angering the devil will jump at you. "He might just get angrier with me and cause me more trouble." Or so you would think. But sometimes courage is about just that - not thinking, just acting. Being spontaneous such that risks don't have the time to catch up with you and scare you away. its the thinking that makes you scared.

I caught a 8.08 train at 8.09 today morning. I literally jumped into the carriage through the beeping doors, and I heard them shut behind me the moment I found my footing inside. I don't run to catch trains. Normally that is. I don't take the risk of getting smashed between automatic doors, or as it would appear in the exaggerated image in my mind, when contemplating whether or not to make a dash for the train which is about to leave. But today I had to get into a critical meeting 1.5 hours away, my colleague was already inside the carriage waiting for me, I had no idea when the next train would be - basically I didn't have the time to think. I ran into the station, bought the ticket, ran to the platform and jumped in.

Why did I bring this example up in the context of courage and not thinking. Precisely because of the not thinking bit. I don't know if it was courageous to jump in. I definitely know it was lack of planning and maybe also some carelessness. But it also goes back to the thoughts that crossed my mind after I was settled in the train. That in those moments of action, I wasn't thinking. That I could have missed the train if I walked instead of running. That the train could have left on time than be a minute late. That it could have been on a different platform than the usual one. That I could have been late for a client meeting within 2 weeks of having started a new job. That I could have injured myself.

So it is the thinking that makes me scared. and if I have any courage, its probably when I am unaware of or haven't figured out the enclosed risks. In other words, when I am stupid, I am courageous. like a dog that would go out and make that jump not realising that his adversary is a wolf. Something that should be scared of. But no, he just acts. Just knows he has to face his adversary and fight. Period. I do that too. This is how the situation has turned out to be. and this is what i am doing. full stop. No analysis-causes-paralysis type approach.

Just like when I went couch surfing, I didn't get attacked. Or when I went climbing, I didn't fall off a ledge or break my bone in the snow. Doesn't mean that risks never become reality. I did twist my knee when I went canyoning. I did get lost and freaked out while travelling alone and not being able to find my way around deserted close to midnight. What matters is that it all worked out in the end. things do have a way of working themselves out. As many risks are in our minds as many occur in reality. We can't be reckless, agreed, but we can't make risks the bone of contention before making a choice either.

Try something new, which you know nothing about and have no idea about how wrong it can turn out. Go take that jump today..