When i first studied buddha's principles of reason for all suffering is desire, I felt a bulb light up in my head. It was so true. If i don't desire anything, I wont suffer when I don't get it. I should stay simple, natural and that will keep my expectations to a minimum. But will I feel happy when I do get what I want when I haven't expected it? Or is happiness just other face of the coin? I forget that simple and natural is always a function of the environment I live in. In the hot weather of India, natural means I don't need to use skin products because the temperature already helps as requires me to intake much more liquids. But in the cold, dry weather of Europe, my skin needs care and protection. In the casual environment of college, simple means I don't need to use hair care products. It doesn't matter if my hair is all over the place, but in a bank, it is distracting and gives an impression of being careless. Which means I need to use products, spend time styling and maintaining it. so, if i have to suffer, i might as well enjoy while at it. Completely goes against my principle of simple living and high thinking. But maybe i can find a way to reconcile these two contrasting approaches.
and in broader terms, i have many expectations from my personal life. but if what i want is not what i am going to get, then what i do get doesn't really matter, does it? 19-20 ka fark ho bhi, to kya bigad jata hai? if my personal life has gone for a toss already because i am focusing on my career, then i rather make something worthwhile out of my career. travel the world, maybe aim higher and faster. if i am not going to make the threshold of the age of 30 for having a child, then i should just accept it and focus on what i can actually do in these next three years. maybe work on having that parallel career i had never thought to be feasible until i saw people here do it most comfortably. and the older they get the more adept they get at managing multiple careers, professional and personal responsibilities. reminds me of the multi-armed Indian goddesses. but speaking practically, i won't be the first one doing this anyway, and maybe at that future point, i will not have the loans looming over my head the way they are now. as compared to what i am doing now - trying to put my feet in two boats, or maybe even more than two boats.
i guess that's moving away from desire in a way.. isn't it? focusing on what you can have, do some feasibility analysis and then make the most of the present rather than fret over an uncertain future. prioritize and re-prioritize your life to make your world go around you, rather than those certain people. this last piece has been something i have always struggled with. going all the way, pushing it to my limits because i feel guilty for not devoting enough time and importance, only to find that they don't wait for you. maybe they don't even expect it from you. and then suddenly i am facing this vast space of time with not doing what i had initially booked it for while the tentative commitments to the certain others have expired or slipped past. and then this anger surges from within, scolding myself for getting caught up in the web of expectations from certain people, and expectations of their expectations from you, only to find it was all false estimation. and then self-preservation kicks-in. i have a life, i have my own set of people to care for, and my own set of things that i like doing. i am not going to sit around waiting for people and their plans and plan my life around it. that's probably the one and only thing that scares me about being a housewife. i don't get fulfillment from others even if i do seek and strive for it, and the disappointment just leads to a lot of negativity and anger and denial and closing up. not healthy, and definitely a dangerous vicious cycle. a part of me is trying to tell me to stop using the word self-preservation, that its just plain old selfishness. maybe it is, maybe it is not. all i know that in the end i am only answerable to myself. call it selfishness if you like.
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