the great bake-off

It all started in 2007 when I moved to live in koregaon park. We were the bus gang, noisy bunch of miscreants who wouldn't let anyone else sleep for the hour long journey to talwade every morning. Anthony Gonsalves taught me my first cake recipe of the sponge cake, with his secret tips to make it nicer. Then I adapted it to make an eggless chocolate cake, which dad could eat. That was the first time I researched recipes over the net and integrated the secret ingredients, tips and tricks. The folding, the precision, the patience, the icing and then the reward. My recipe was quite a success and I got several occasions to try it out and even shared it with my then boss. The next step was the birthday cake surprise for my ex. We didn't have an oven, so we decided to use a pressure cooker - unheard of in these parts of the world - but then we ran out of gas. So our neighbours volunteered their kitchen, for a share of the cake of course. We even got a local cake shop to help us with some icing. Oh the young and what their excitement can achieve..

Then I moved to Barcelona. There was no dearth of cakes there, our cafeteria even served chocolate croissants and apple muffins. But there were barely any Indian sweet shops and I started suffering from a craving for the raj bhandar or haldiram type of sweets, particularly gulab jamuns. Guess when you know you can't find it, it's then that you want to have it most. And on my student budget, I couldn't afford going to restaurants to fulfil my craving. So I decided to make them. Plus gulab jamuns had always been my mom's nemesis, so that was an additional challenge. I made it using the gits mix, but they were recognizable and edible. That spurred me on. I started experimenting with more sweets - made Besan ke laddo and gajar ka halwa.

a few months later german bakery was bombed. I had become a regular there during my stay in koregaon park - they would start packing a slice of apple pie when they saw me walk in. They would serve a cheese mushroom omelette with green tea if I sat down at the hippie wooden table in the dingy outdoor space surrounded by other hippies. So when it got bombed, I had a craving for apple pie. I went back to my researching methodology and figured out the recipe with the secret tips. The one thing I have learnt is that there is always a secret ingredient -it is worth the effort to find and include it. So I tried out the apple pie with raisins - just the way the german bakery people made it. And my American flatmate who was bred on his grandma's apple pie gave it a nod. That paved the way and I got the nickname of the dessert queen. After that I have tried out chocolate mousse, chocolate ice-cream (which was not a success - the secret was missing here).

This summer I moved to London. This Christmas I had my first gingerbread men and pumpkin pie. and my secret Santa gifted me a recipe book - the great British bake off. She figured I have a sweet tooth somehow. From sweet to savoury, from pies to cakes - it has it all in there. From my childhood curiosity of what exactly is a tart to realising that croissants are not magical after all, this book has opened a new world for me. Even the mystery of the one month fruit cake -which no one except Tony knew, both that it existed and how to make it. I can't wait -chocolate croissants like the ones in the IESE cafeteria, tiramisu which my Italian flatmate makes, rasgullas which can potentially scald your palms, gujiya for which I have been carrying the cooking mould for last 2 years and perhaps also rectify the disaster of the ice-cream experiment.

Somewhere in the future I see myself all fat and grey-haired, working in the kitchen, sunlight streaming in through the windows and a bunch of children running about, excited from the fragrance - wondering what the treat is this time around...

atlas shrugged again

i picked this book up again for various reasons. to get back into reading, for want of knowledge of a better option or even a comparable one and for doing a look back to when i had last read it. that was when i was in third and then again in final year of engineering studies..

i used to identify with the idealism of the characters. their sincerity at work, the integrity and courage they displayed and the straightforward approach with which they solved their problems. this time around i am retaining more of the story, more depth and more layers that Ayn Rand has built in. i did remember the main characters and their portrayals, but had forgotten many aspects and many events in the story. the hints of john galt keeping tabs on dagny through eddie, the systematic way in which the next pillar to fall can be predicted and more. even the typical style in which ayn differentiates the good from the bad - how the former is taut and confident and how the latter is loose and evasive. then there are the minor but still interesting characters - of eddie, of mrs.taggart, of rearden's family, of the dr. robert.. sometimes ayn's dismissal of the social motive, of welfare motive, of selflessness is almost disturbing. but then the thin line drawn by integrity surfaces and makes everything palatable again. then there is what joe - my flatmate - suggested. looking around here where shops have low sales despite discounts, unemployment is high and crime is increasing.. the squatter culture is spreading from the poorer markets to madrid to new york to london to amsterdam, i can visualise the setting of the story better than i did the last time. back then it felt like 1930's must have been bad, and now it is just plain scary. and finally what strikes me most is that then the idealism of the characters used to strike me most. what is morality, the sanction of the victim, how much injustice are you willing to take. and now apart from this, the frustrations from lack of intelligence, sincerity and integrity is what strikes me too. now i can see how all of these characters manifest around me in the real world.

at a personal level, this book reminds me of very trying times i faced back in college. i didn't want to join iim indore for various reasons. the idealist principle of getting what you deserve had come from this book then or at least thats how i associate it. but it had been a difficult decision. not a popular one or a commonly understood one either. family friends strangers, had given mixed reactions. right now the scenario is different but the level of confusion and the lack of support is comparable. this one is also a decision for life and will affect more people and more directly than that of the mba. i am still wondering if my decision is correct, and i am still wondering which principle i am basing it on. i guess time will tell, when i read this book again in a few years.

mind games

It's funny how the mind plays games. After a point you don't realise if its reality or a figment of your imagination.

Sunday was the culmination of one of the most eventful weeks - work wise - and also weekends - 30th birthday bash of my flatmate. During the week, I had very critical client sessions and the responses were far beyond our expectations - has set our motor running at full speed. Then, starting Friday afternoon, we had friends flying in from different cities as far away as Istanbul and memories of the fun times in Barcelona were rekindled, how! After two days of all-night parties, we had a relaxing Sunday with a heavy English brunch and long peaceful walk through Regents Park followed by holiday shopping for family. But when you feel your body might physically burst from not being able to contain all the happiness, you should be prepared for some balloons to burst. Even happiness has a limit.

It was on my way back home on Sunday evening that my flatmate called me - our house had been burgled that very afternoon. We lost quite a few things including my laptop. Fortunately no one was hurt and security systems are now being reinforced. There are a lot of questions about how it happened, who was responsible, have we have lost anything else.. If I don't find a shirt, I wonder if the burglars took it.

What now? I felt like the police humoured us when we went to the station add details to our report. The fingerprint guy said he found one fingerprint which didn't match ours, without even looking at our fingerprints, or even our fingers for that matter. The property agent sent out a notification email to all tenants saying how he is beefing up security but did not forget to add how he was surprised that tenants sometimes do not insure personal goods. Personally and mentally, it's a different level altogether, even when the personal exposure was minimum. I did not see any action, any faces, not even the cctv footage, just came back that day to find my room in perfect order but at a closer look realised the missing items. The neatness of it all, even how the door had been chipped off, amazed me.

But with all the discussions, the theories around how and what, and the personal stories my colleagues shared yesterday - my mind is playing games with me. Every time I hear a key turn, a door open, lift announce my floor, my mind goes into alert mode. Every scruffy person, or every volunteer asking for charity that I pass on the street, makes me wonder if the burglars might have any connection to them. The first night I downed some scotch, but still dreamt about losing my job and being burgled. The dream ended well with my dad making some phone calls and setting it all right for me. Last night I woke up imagining someone standing by my bed looking for my laptop. My boss told me yesterday that being burgled can be traumatic; I didn't understand then but now I am beginning to. I am not scared, at least not yet, but very very conscious. Worse, I am generalising and mixing up empathy towards under-priviledged people and antipathy towards these burglars. And all this when the impact on me was barely anything.

It's not about physical or material loss that hits you in the first moment of realisation, it's the loss of peace of mind and loss of sense of safety in your own bedroom that rankles after the excitement has died down. All that stays then is a wait for news, and uncertainty of what to expect and what to protect yourself from. How everything is so fleeting... But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It could have been so much worse in so many ways. For starters - they somehow spared a lot of precious stuff, such as our passports - I will need mine on Friday when I fly home for vacation. Then again the mind in survival mode knows how to adapt and to survive. So if I don't have a laptop, maybe I can do with my phone and my flatmate's laptop. Time with family and friends back home could not have come at a better time. And if it is the mind playing games, then at least I know what to focus on stabilising and channelling to positivity.

recognising perceptions

to absorb like a sponge - could it be any more relevant? mom says my story is like that of a baby bird. first i thought the egg was the world, then the nest was the world, then i learnt to fly. ever since i flew over and landed in barcelona, i have been a sponge.. observing with as wide as my eyes can get and absorbing all that is around me.. the other day as i was thinking back, i started to list all that has been different to my preconceptions.

sugar high - yes if you eat a lot of sugar, you can experience a high.. your hands might start shaking, you will feel the energy, the excitement, and you might just be jumping around

vitamin c - orange juice is a good source of vitamin c which helps prevent getting a cold. this i knew. but orange juice is also good for getting rid of a cold. and even more, it is completely ok to have "cold food" like apple and yogurt and even rice.. still need to figure out why doctors in india forbid eating cold food when one has a cold.

different tastes - meat can smell like flesh to me and food to someone else. lemon and honey syrup can taste yuck to someone but can be addictive to me. same with salted yogurt. someone actually spit it out in front of me calling it disgusting. cold raw meat slices between two slices of bread can be a filling satisfying meal for some, just like a salad made of lettuce and herbs and baby tomatoes. but i need carbohydrates with salt added to it and served hot. please. being a vegetarian doesn't mean i eat leaves as my meals.

humidity puffs up hair. i haven't experienced it yet, or at least not realised it. i thought in mumbai ones hair just flattened down. i just knew about static charging hair and making it stand in all directions, but this humidity thing was interesting. wonder why they sell add-volume-to-your-hair products, when all that is needed is a bit of humidity.

sun tan - it gives colour to skin and makes it look beautiful and lively, even giving it a natural shine. it makes cheeks flush pink and look rosy. like a permanent natural blush, which sometimes arises out of emotion and brings colour on your face. that's the whole point behind make-up and calling blush blush and thats what makes rosy cheeks attractive. what we call sun tan in india is actually sun burn, - remember how it makes you feel scorched?

dark colours make white people look pale - like a vampire.. that's why they need make up or are so picky about the colours they wear. and that's why they love it the way we wear such bright colours and patterns - all designs and shades and bright shimmering stuff. for them wearing a red scarf goes a long way in adding colour to their attire - which can be a black suit, dark shirt, black stockings and black overcoat. my first time outside my office building - i felt like i was walking in a sea of black clothes under a gray sky.

stockings - protect you from the cold. yes that is their most useful function. and of course all the bits about smooth, attractive legs. black stockings actually do give an effect of proper and slim shape and at the same time an overall elegant and pristine air. and its almost magical how closed shoes n sleeping with socks can keep you warm and protected against the worst of cold weathers.

heels make me look as tall as men that i work with. skirts make me look feminine in this cold male corporate environment. to me these two seem ironical and contradictory to each other - they came from the same person. i love flats and i love trousers. that probably means i am short female, yet a cold male. but when i want to make an impression i admit to using the skirt trick.

and finally at a deeper level, something that has shown me a side of me that i didn't realise could be a reason for worry. but the way i have seen it, i am beginning to get worried. the mba gave me dreams about changing the world and changing myself to do that.. it has been a journey which started with ambition. that was ok. but now work has empowered me to achieve those dreams. and i am now being fuelled by power - which is coming from a sense of feeling recognised, credible and capable. i am worried because of the way it impacts me and makes me want more. like its an addiction that i have no control over, it controls me and can determine the way i behave. this is not ok. i have to protect myself from being corrupted by power, by the need for more power.

if this is a perception, it has to remain so, and not become reality. if it is reality, it has to change.

illusions of reality

i was reading the palace of illusions. its a feminist narration of the mahabharata, told from Draupadi's persepctive. there are other versions and narratives on the mahabharata that you would want to read, just to get a balanced understanding of the characters - mrityunjay, yaganta. and the good old mahabharata. but this one has moved me deeply.

the woman who caused it all, the woman whose name would never be given to any child. and all because of her misguided sense of loyalty which pricked Karna's ego, her misguided sense of pride which pricked Duryodhana's ego and her misguided sense of redemption which pricked the Pandava's ego, and most of all Yudhisthira's. she wanted to rule, to belong, to fulfill her destiny of changing the world. and she got all she wanted. and more. so much more that she couldn't handle it anymore. the two questions that stayed behind with me are - do we really need all that we want? what if we want all that we do realising its far fetched, but then we get it all? the palace of illusions which caused the rise and the fall of the pandavas and eventually led to the great war - did they really need it? the redemption that she wanted for her honour - did she realise how she unleashed the destruction of the kauravas and as a result scores of families friends kith and kin?

the illusions of reality. we chase these illusions, because it drives us, pushes us to work hard and to strive through suffering, looking for the end of the tunnel when there will be light. thats what our parents tell us - work a bit more and it will lead you to a good job.. or much earlier - just a little bit more to finish your homework and then you can go play.. and we go on striving. we build hopes and stories in our minds, we compare, we wish, we dream, we want. sometimes we work through our dejections, taking solace in the fact that aiming for the stars will at least take us to the mountain top. but then all of a sudden dark clouds clear up and you realise you have reached the stars. you just flew over the mountain top while you were looking at the dark clouds.

there's a completely different book that i will reference here. twilight. in that story, she fell in love with a vampire, knowing fully how insane that was. she saw him and wanted to touch his face. when she first saw him she never imagined he would notice her. when he noticed her, she never imagined he would interact with her. when he interacted with her, she never imagined he would like her. when he liked her she never imagined she could touch his face. when she touched his face she never imagined he would hold her hand. when he held her hand she never imagined he would ever kiss her. when he did kiss her, she never imagined he would want her. when he did want her she never imagined she could have him. and then when she had him, she had him for life. it all worked out. it all started as an illusion for her and then became reality too.

sometimes i am sitting at work and all of a sudden i find myself look at where i am, what i am doing. and thinking back from those years riding my bicycle to coaching class, or crossing german bakery to get to the bus stop. did i ever believe i would be here, doing this? i never thought i could afford studying or working abroad. that i would be away from family on three consecutive diwalis. that i would be single at this time. but all this is my reality now. and now sitting here in this moment, i cant imagine how i am going to be able to repay my obligations, go home and settle down. how i am going to take that chance to fulfill my heart's calling, or reach for the stepping stones which i recognised in the mba. is this my illusion? am i just going to settle down in the known familiar mundane? but on the other hand, do i have to courage to see these illusions turn into reality?

want it from all your heart and you will get it. but are you able to take what you want what you get? or in the process of wanting, do you forget it could become real and be overwhelming? think about what you ask for. coz when you get it, you will not know how to monitor and control it. ask yourself a hundred questions before you take every step, and make those ten fold for each person that your action might impact. you are bigger than you credit yourself to be and you are the harbinger of more karma that keeps the cycle of this life going. what is mine. what is his. isnt it all fleeting. what is my need against what is my desire. what is anger, ego, jealousy, passion. what do i want and what do i want it for. what do i have. do i really have it. do i really need it. what does anyone really want.

in defense of womankind

we are as normal as men think men to be normal. we are just different on a different scale. kind of like we are Centigrade normal while men are Fahrenheit normal. having set that context, i would like to state a few more key differentiating elements of that scale - for the benefit of one and all. these are definitely applicable to all women and after that we all have our own quirks, dont we?

we like to hug. hugging is not a seductive physical activity for us. its a gesture of affection, of conveying all that you feel without having to demean emotions into things like words. it makes us feel warm and cozy and comfortable that you are not embarrassed by the hug. it gets even better if you demonstrate affection like stroke our hair and pull us close. and we like to hug a lot. its like smiling and passing on that smile. i just want to hug you, or i just want you to hold me, mean exactly the same things for us. its not deferring further action, its just a different action, a different communication. just like saying i want an appetizer doesn't mean i dont want to have main course or dessert.

we love talking. if we are asked how our day was, we explain how our day was. we dont say pretty good to that question. if we are asked what we do all day, we say what we did all day. we dont say nothing much to that question. so ask us the question accordingly. we give details because we like to know details. we keep talking because we want to fill the silence, hoping something we might say might remind you of something interesting to tell us. just like it reminds us. we keep talking till you remember something to interrupt us and start describing to us. when communicating over sms or call while at work, we can multitask. talking with you doesnt mean we stop working. we can do both and we dont realise you cant. we also dont realise that its tough for you to take out time of work to answer to us. when you dont answer we think the conversation is not important enough, or you dont have anything to say. coz thats when we would not answer.

we believe in strategic and timely conversations. and we dont forget small details. so we remember when you are nice to us and when you are not nice to us. we use a example for an argument when it is most appropriate. we dont like to crib all the time. so we collect related incidents, draw the hypothesis and test it all out at once. we are not being vicious, we are just being efficient - cite the argument and support it with facts.

we think a lot. and all the time. and we dont do it consciously. when we want to empty our minds or thought, we meditate. we dont stare. and we like to know what others are thinking, it helps us strike a conversation. we dont mean to intrude, we dont mean to interrupt your meditation or staring. "what are you thinking" is a conversation starter and cannot elicit the response "nothing". we just dont understand how you can think nothing. we try and we fail. we even try to think nothing and we fail at that too. but i guess for you to understand how we can always be thinking is even more of a puzzle. check out this link to have the situation broken down and explained.

well so thats a summary to start with, hope some find it useful.. thanks to this movie scene.. :)

death of an iCon

the other day my flatmate was showing off his new friend and assistant and problem solver. she answers his questions, reminds him of all that he needs to remember, makes calls on his behalf and even tells him how nice he is - siri on his iphone 4s. its technology taking the place of an assistant, a secretary, some might even say their ageing mothers. i believe technology makes skill redundant. check out around you - taxi drivers vs gps, photographers vs dslr camera, customer service vs IVR systems, airline staff vs. automated checkin. humans are being taken out the system so that things happen more smoothly, customers have better experience and minimum complaints...

sounds cynical doesn't it? technology does make systems more efficient and takes the human element out, but it also helps us focus human effort on developing better technologies, implementing them around the world and making lives easier for more people. technology helps us focus on brain-work and takes care of the mundane work. but we are like that. we are cynical and we look at the negatives more easily and more willingly in anything and everything. lets go back to siri for a bit and take the example of the founder of Apple - Steve Jobs.

he didnt live to see how the world reacted to siri. facebook was flooded with condolence messages. apple stores saw people setting up little memorials for Steve and laying out flowers, candles, even fruits in his memory. everyone hailed him as a hero, the changer of a generation and a inspiration. but then gradually other perspectives started spanning out, highlighting his other face. An article explained among other things, what a miserable boss he was..

his story mesmerises us. that's why some of us feel inspired and some of us resent his fame. we all want to be like him, to be talked about, to be successful, to be mourned by the world when we die. he didnt have any of it when he was born and given away, and then had it all when he died. didnt he lose it all then? doesnt he deserve to be commended for all that he achieved and brought to our lives? and yet some of us only want to point out his fallacies. his story is one of balancing extremes - abject poverty and blinding richness, science and art, success and failure, beating cancer and succumbing to it. and in the end the tragedy of it all, of a hero, ties us to him, to the personality, to the story and to the inspiration. we idolize him knowing well how real and how human and how full of mistakes he was. what matters in the end is the legacy he left behind and for which he will always be remembered. he succeeded, he changed the world, touched each of our lives in some way. he infused passion into something as mundane as a commodity, he demonstrated the power of taking chance, of being down and out and then experiencing meteoric success. no matter if he was a controlling, vicious tyrant, as can be seen from the way he controlled - his clothes, his style, his madness, his privacy - he created an unparalleled revolution.

i like this link which summarises the top ten lessons his life taught us all, and I would just like to pay a tribute to him by recounting what his life has and will continue to teach me. While some may not give him credit, but i will compare with some of the greatest inspiring personalities..

remember to be humble in the wake of failure as in resounding success, and to never lose sight of the clear certain end we all have in our lives. bring it all down to simple. follow your heart. your instinct. touch people's lives and you will create a brand in your worth. you have to trust that the dots will connect back into something. that will give you the confidence to believe in yourself and in what you really want to do (mandela like). love your work. if you havent found it yet, keep looking (edison like). if today were the last day of my life, would i do what i am going to do today (gandhi like). your time is limited, so dont waste it by trying to live someone else's life (krishna like!). and finally the speech he gave at Stanford commencement.

stay hungry, stay foolish

memories and movies

you know how it is when you look around and see your past. your memories take shape and become real right in front of your eyes. and you can see how happy you were in that time, because that is exactly the reason why you remember the memory in the first place. or when you recount a story and you can see the images flash in front of your eyes. yesterday i was at an alumni event and i met an applicant. yeah an applicant at an alumni event, no big deal we are big hearted people. so she asked me, "tell me how your experience at iese was" and all of a sudden i had a flurry of images rush past, and for a second i didnt know where to start. friends, assignments, sorrow, excitement, professors, job search, dgdw, bows and so much more. i started to tell her about it and i would keep jumping from one story to the next one, unable to channel my excitement or control, almost bursting with pleasure at having the chance to reminisce. at one point, it was she who got exasperated and stopped me mid-way to say, your face lights up when you tell me about this experience! i have heard many people talk about their mbas, but never seen anyone so happy about it! i felt warm, really cozy deep down in my heart and really knew what it meant when your heart smiles. just two days before that i was at an mba fair and i got chatting with this girl who was almost looking lost in the fair, was on her way out because the people she wanted to speak to had already gone. i have never done this in my life before and usually i am not the one to start up small talk and turn it into even a decent conversation, forget a real one. but with her it turned out that she had questions about an mba and about selecting a college and i had genuine answers to all her questions. heck i even remembered her question when actually she forgot she had asked it! it just all came out so naturally and so effortlessly. i wasnt selling my school, i was sharing my experience with her and i was telling her why i enjoyed it so much and why i could do it all over again. effortless is the word to describe the description.

i think i get this from my dad. let me explain. he is a very thoughtful person, takes his time to go over things in his several times over and over again, and takes everyone's time to come to decision. so when i say i get this from him, its the thinking part - i would like to believe that in taking decisions i am like my mom. and this this realisation about thinking struck me when i joined them on their first europe trip. the first time outside the country, i could see myself in them - the way i had reacted and absorbed my surroundings when i had first landed in barcelona. he said it was like walking in a storybook, and that was exactly my reaction too. in fact mom recounts, my first description of london was that it felt like i was in noddy's world, sitting atop the cute red double decker bus and going around old brick building along the river. and then another time it was quite evident. i was trying to tell them how i would like to have a leather jacket, but everytime i try to buy it i hold it in my hand and it feel - and here i got stuck because i could describe what i was thinking. and then dad said it feels like real skin, not yet taken of the animal's body. of course he described what i only had in my head, he is my dad, and the smartest of all. but the fact that he had the same thought in his head too.

so yeah, mom and dad went around taking in the sights, the newness, the difference of lifestyle and just naturally fell into that role. just like i always aim for. even when they went up the mountain, they were natural about regulating their breathing and their pace, to enjoy the natural sights. althought they might have done hiking maybe 2-3 times and at least 10 years ago. their colleagues, on the other hand, were interested in marking tourist sights off their list and converting prices of souvenirs while deciding whether to buy or not. but my parents were absorbing the life. i felt so proud and so grateful. i could see my trips and my behaviour in those trips flash past in front of my eyes, never before have i identified myself so much with them. and even more, i saw in their eyes a reassurance, that i had found a place for myself to fit in here and yet not lose myself. mom mistook another girl for me as we dressed in a similar way and she was happy about it.. i saw in my mom her own self from at least 20 years ago. thats what it was - they were back in their days of youth, when they were starting a new life, and ready to absorb novelties, free from all the worries and hardships they were about to tackle.. this trip for them was carefree and effortless..

effortless is the word for expression when nostalgia hits me. i love to talk about it again and again and again. because when i talk the scenes come back, come alive and the emotions fill me. i wish i could make a movie of all these scenes in my head and then watch it over and over again so that i remember each minute detail and each emotion..

maybe thats what movies are all about.. memories and emotions and nostalgia and each one identifying with it in their own unique way.. thats why i like watching movies, because i look for myself in there, and wish that all the trouble there are lead to a good ending just like they do in the movies.. and in the midst of all that, there might be a few songs to hum along and dances to lose yourself to..

buddha speaks

Pain and suffering arises from expectations - and is hence self inflicted. Expectations of salary, of comfort, of furnished houses, of considerate property agents, of selfless giving, or prioritizing certain people over certain others only to find that for those certain people you belong to the certain others category, of wanting more and yet wanting nothing to change.

When i first studied buddha's principles of reason for all suffering is desire, I felt a bulb light up in my head. It was so true. If i don't desire anything, I wont suffer when I don't get it. I should stay simple, natural and that will keep my expectations to a minimum. But will I feel happy when I do get what I want when I haven't expected it? Or is happiness just other face of the coin? I forget that simple and natural is always a function of the environment I live in. In the hot weather of India, natural means I don't need to use skin products because the temperature already helps as requires me to intake much more liquids. But in the cold, dry weather of Europe, my skin needs care and protection. In the casual environment of college, simple means I don't need to use hair care products. It doesn't matter if my hair is all over the place, but in a bank, it is distracting and gives an impression of being careless. Which means I need to use products, spend time styling and maintaining it. so, if i have to suffer, i might as well enjoy while at it. Completely goes against my principle of simple living and high thinking. But maybe i can find a way to reconcile these two contrasting approaches.

and in broader terms, i have many expectations from my personal life. but if what i want is not what i am going to get, then what i do get doesn't really matter, does it? 19-20 ka fark ho bhi, to kya bigad jata hai? if my personal life has gone for a toss already because i am focusing on my career, then i rather make something worthwhile out of my career. travel the world, maybe aim higher and faster. if i am not going to make the threshold of the age of 30 for having a child, then i should just accept it and focus on what i can actually do in these next three years. maybe work on having that parallel career i had never thought to be feasible until i saw people here do it most comfortably. and the older they get the more adept they get at managing multiple careers, professional and personal responsibilities. reminds me of the multi-armed Indian goddesses. but speaking practically, i won't be the first one doing this anyway, and maybe at that future point, i will not have the loans looming over my head the way they are now. as compared to what i am doing now - trying to put my feet in two boats, or maybe even more than two boats.

i guess that's moving away from desire in a way.. isn't it? focusing on what you can have, do some feasibility analysis and then make the most of the present rather than fret over an uncertain future. prioritize and re-prioritize your life to make your world go around you, rather than those certain people. this last piece has been something i have always struggled with. going all the way, pushing it to my limits because i feel guilty for not devoting enough time and importance, only to find that they don't wait for you. maybe they don't even expect it from you. and then suddenly i am facing this vast space of time with not doing what i had initially booked it for while the tentative commitments to the certain others have expired or slipped past. and then this anger surges from within, scolding myself for getting caught up in the web of expectations from certain people, and expectations of their expectations from you, only to find it was all false estimation. and then self-preservation kicks-in. i have a life, i have my own set of people to care for, and my own set of things that i like doing. i am not going to sit around waiting for people and their plans and plan my life around it. that's probably the one and only thing that scares me about being a housewife. i don't get fulfillment from others even if i do seek and strive for it, and the disappointment just leads to a lot of negativity and anger and denial and closing up. not healthy, and definitely a dangerous vicious cycle. a part of me is trying to tell me to stop using the word self-preservation, that its just plain old selfishness. maybe it is, maybe it is not. all i know that in the end i am only answerable to myself. call it selfishness if you like.

Mindspace

the first time i heard this concept was in a marketing context. but here i want to talk about something else. more like the closet space in your mind. and how you use that closet space. which reminds me of my closet here. when i first opened it, i thought it had no space. but then i rearranged it, bought some stuff in, adapted a design to it, made adjustments to my idea of arranging clothes and the closet works fine now. same way it works for the mind too i guess.. like sherlock holmes - he didnt know that earth goes round the sun and when watson told him, he wanted to forget it. because it would take up unnecessary space in his mind.

be careful though.. there are things that can be more overpowering than a geographical fact. like how work takes up all that space in your head. i am trying to justify the trickling down of my blog posts.. work just expands and takes up everything in your life. reading is relegated to commute, and so is music. things like physical exercise are reduced to the 5 min walk during the course of the commute. i have started swimming, but everytime i go it gives me a runny nose and i stop swimming for the next week. at work you sit and stare at a screen all day, worrying about meeting the number targets, eating at your desk, and swallowing gallons of coffee. the sun is a picture on your laptop and friends are pictures on your facebook page.

thats sounds so depressing! work life is not so bad actually. you have money to start with, nice and smart people around you, you are engaged in meaningful and intelligent work, and you live in a vibrant city. the point however still remains, that one has to be careful to not let work absorb you in itself. remember you work for living, not live for working. keep time out to call friends, go for a movie, take an aimless stroll, watch tv, laze around on a sunday morning, enjoy a relaxed cooking and eating time at home.. you own your work and the pace at which you want it to run. when you notice that blogging has trickled down or has become nonsensical or shallow, you know the symptoms to figure out the problem AND find a cure.

and then there are worries to fill up that space. what if this doesnt happen, that doesnt happen. what if i can do this or that. what if i cant make everyone happy, or just those who i want to make happy. what if. sometimes i get caught up in that too and look for a sign. like in the movie p.s. i love you, she found the suspenders buckle and turned into a shoe designer. i wish i could have a sign that would say, its alright honey. this ones just another bump. hang in there, its almost over. its a nice approach as long as you dont start depending on it. signs are not what they are, they are only what you make of them. stop looking for them, when they appear on their own, thats when you will really feel the magic of a coincidence working out. and besides, you will never know whats gonna happen until it has, so forget trying to anticipate it. if you really want to be told that everything is going to be alright, then tell it to yourself. coz you are the one who knows exactly how you are feeling, and when you are feeling depressed. i read something today - dont think you cant do something. you always can, but if you say you cant, there is something that is making you not want to do it. figure that and sort it out. and you need a clear head for sorting out and checking yourself when you are being unreasonable or hiding behind a fear.

then you will see how you can do everything. keep a clear head. you got to clean-up rearrange, do whatever it takes but free up some space to make way for churning those thoughts around..

Courage and risk

"When you come across the devil, spit in his eye and he mind just turn his back on you.." as goes an old saying. Now if you come to think of it logically, the risk of angering the devil will jump at you. "He might just get angrier with me and cause me more trouble." Or so you would think. But sometimes courage is about just that - not thinking, just acting. Being spontaneous such that risks don't have the time to catch up with you and scare you away. its the thinking that makes you scared.

I caught a 8.08 train at 8.09 today morning. I literally jumped into the carriage through the beeping doors, and I heard them shut behind me the moment I found my footing inside. I don't run to catch trains. Normally that is. I don't take the risk of getting smashed between automatic doors, or as it would appear in the exaggerated image in my mind, when contemplating whether or not to make a dash for the train which is about to leave. But today I had to get into a critical meeting 1.5 hours away, my colleague was already inside the carriage waiting for me, I had no idea when the next train would be - basically I didn't have the time to think. I ran into the station, bought the ticket, ran to the platform and jumped in.

Why did I bring this example up in the context of courage and not thinking. Precisely because of the not thinking bit. I don't know if it was courageous to jump in. I definitely know it was lack of planning and maybe also some carelessness. But it also goes back to the thoughts that crossed my mind after I was settled in the train. That in those moments of action, I wasn't thinking. That I could have missed the train if I walked instead of running. That the train could have left on time than be a minute late. That it could have been on a different platform than the usual one. That I could have been late for a client meeting within 2 weeks of having started a new job. That I could have injured myself.

So it is the thinking that makes me scared. and if I have any courage, its probably when I am unaware of or haven't figured out the enclosed risks. In other words, when I am stupid, I am courageous. like a dog that would go out and make that jump not realising that his adversary is a wolf. Something that should be scared of. But no, he just acts. Just knows he has to face his adversary and fight. Period. I do that too. This is how the situation has turned out to be. and this is what i am doing. full stop. No analysis-causes-paralysis type approach.

Just like when I went couch surfing, I didn't get attacked. Or when I went climbing, I didn't fall off a ledge or break my bone in the snow. Doesn't mean that risks never become reality. I did twist my knee when I went canyoning. I did get lost and freaked out while travelling alone and not being able to find my way around deserted close to midnight. What matters is that it all worked out in the end. things do have a way of working themselves out. As many risks are in our minds as many occur in reality. We can't be reckless, agreed, but we can't make risks the bone of contention before making a choice either.

Try something new, which you know nothing about and have no idea about how wrong it can turn out. Go take that jump today..

intoxication

autorickshaw wala - "300."

young man - "200 mein chaloge to ghar pe daru pilaunga."

2 ghante baad - "2 beer, long island ice tea aadhi bottoms up. and aur ek beedi ka packet."

"daru peeke ghar aaya aur so gaya. usne raat bhar sapne dekhe ek bandi ko phone kar raha hai. har baar uthke phone check kar raha tha. bbm, gtalk, sms, mail - sare options. sapna hi tha."

"daru peeke ek bandi ko phone karke kaha tha - itne jaldi shadi mat kar. 25 saal ki hai, banda 32 ka hai, jaldi ka hai." uski shadi do hafte mein thi. baki baat jo ki wo to yaad nahi hai, but agli shaam jo usne daant lagayi wo yaad rahi achche se."

"daru peeke bol diya use kitna pasand karta hai. kyu pasand karta hai. usne jawab mein haan kaha? ya sirf muskura di? ya ye sab bhi ek sapna hi tha?"

"beach pe baithe the, barish ho gayi. to daru peeke gane gane lage. itna hanse itna hanse, ki restaurant wale dukan band karke chale gaye. phir bhi hanste rahe."

"daru peeke baat karta hai. uske saath chadhani hai. wo sab jo aise koi soch bhi nahi sakta ki uske man mein hongi. aur jab bolna shuru karta hai, to phir rukta hi nahi hai."

"daru peeke roti hai. aise kabhi rote hue nahi dekha. aur jab dekha rote hue, to pehchana hi nahi gaya. roti hi rahi. roti hi rahi. zor se pakad liya mujhe, aur chhoda hi nahi jab tak rote rote thak nahi gayi. aisa laga ki zamane bhar se aansu bator ke rakhe the. aaj sari kasar nikal ke hi chhodegi mujhe."

aisi kaunse baat hai nashe mein, ki man ki baat bahar nikal aati hai. kyu nahi hai hosh mein itna dam, ki apne man ki baat ka saamna kar saken hum log? why is it that we make a facade, call it our reality and hide behind it. waiting to be rescued in that moment when we can let our hair down, let our emotions out. since when did we lose sight of our humanness and start taking control of our emotions? since when did we start wanting to take a break, and then acknowledge that we do in fact have emotions?

and isnt this alcohol induced intoxication an analogy for all those instruments we use in our lives to try and be in control of our emotions? money, and possessions which give us a sense of power, can-d0. anger and ego which gives us a sense of bravery - people are scared of rubbing me the wrong way. desire and ambition - i will do all that noone has ever done before. smartness and hardwork - noone else is as smart or as hardworking as me.

now go back up and read those examples again. replace daru peeke with one of the intoxication-producing-agents above.. you may have to stretch your imagination a little in drawing the analogy, but overall you will see the connection.. a sense of confidence, and yet a sense of vulnerability, a sense of almost boastful honesty and yet a sense of guilt.. and then open your eyes to all the intoxications you have in your life.

someone rightly said - hell hath fury less than a woman scorned. and to further explain that the book describes how a woman's anger is like a serpent - slow, smooth and much more dangerous than the direct and raw bull-like anger of a man. but think of a mad bull and then the comparison becomes fair. while anger intoxicates a woman, power intoxicates a man.

my eyes were opened when i read the palace of illusions - which narrates mahabharata from draupadi's perspective. first she is intoxicated by the weight of the prophecy about how she will change the history of the course of mankind. then by the sense of not being treated equal to men, to her brother. then by her love for karna and her loyalty for dhri. then by her ownership of her own palace, founded on her ego winning over kunti and all those who would not worship her. then by her desire for vengeance and hatred. then by remorse.

open your eyes. let yourself free of those external influences. and find peace in your normal natural self. then the happiness you feel will not be from an intoxicated laugh, but a genuine heart-warming smile.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

i finally started watching Friends. yes finally. the seasons are like seasons in life. and with those seasons you relive those times. their jokes, their characters, their growing up stories, of love, laughter, sorrow, hatred.. the list is endless. someone once told me its depressing to watch that show, because now you can identify with them.. their thoughts and feelings.. thus making you feel old. not me. to me it just feels nice. warm. like a hug, from far away, virtual in this world of social networking and yet real. yet heartwarming.

they are not perfect. neither are you. sometimes you cant stand them. sometimes you dont understand why they cant stand you. complains fly, bad feelings go around, awkwardness, hurt, anger, disappointment. i never want to see him again. i dont want to ever talk to her again. when will he grow up? why does she not get this straight? its like that episode when Rachel is moving out. She and Monica are all nostalgic and sentimental, so Phoebe gets them to start talking about things they will not miss about each other. and few moments later, they are fighting like cats. more like dogs actually. it comes to the verge that Rachel wont move out anymore just to trouble Monica and Phoebe wont want Rachel to move in either. So Monica tries to "sell" Rachel-the-good-natured-flatmate to Phoebe. one memory leads to another, and soon Monica is crying in Rachel's arms because "now-I-will-have-to-live-with-a-boy".

point is, this is how it is with us all. isnt it? the love-hate, the cant-stand-cant-get-enough, and all such conflicting but endearing emotions that you feel only when you grow up with someone. does it sound like i am confusing the girlfriend-boyfriend, sibling, parent relationships here? well maybe i am.. after all, all those relationship also have a layer of friendship somewhere, don't they?

pick up the phone and call your friends. talk to them. hear them and be heard. take advice. be scolded. share stories of your life, keep people connected and stay aware. relive good times and memories. tell them you care, that you miss them. smile. bring a smile to their faces.

i will leave you with the most touching line a friend wrote to me in recent times -

"keep writing to me. even if i am busy and am not able to reply, i really like reading about you."

being a child

i was told when i was graduating out of school -

you are now stepping into the real world. you will have work to do, dreams to fulfill and responsibilities to uphold. there will be good times and bad ones, and you will change with each experience. you will make mistakes and learn from them. but always do remember to preserve the innocence of the child in you - and then you will always be at peace with yourself no matter what.

innocence - as i write the word i picture one of those Anne Geddes photographs takes with babies and flowers and things. big wondrous eyes gazing at you as if they will never get used to all the things that can be seen. who can ever relate those pristine babies with the diverse faces they will transform into in the next 15-20-60-70 years?! everything around is an attack on their senses, a stimulus to bring out those curious expressions. sight, sound, touch, and out comes the big wide shining grin amidst a squeal of delight.

then there is the sense of appreciation - for mysterious unknown things, anticipation for the next exciting thing, and wonder at the next outcome is what keeps us grounded. what keeps the learner in us alive. we are so small, ever so insignificant in nature's game. even in all the innovations man has fashioned. always a baby, always wondering at what might be next in store for us to discover. i think sometimes, how boring would it become if we could anticipate and pre-empt novelty. what would we strive to learn then? somewhat like the difference between a boy who is born in a small town and who s born in a big city. the small-towner visits a big city and has his head upturned the whole time staring at buildings he has never seen before. fascinated by such beauty, such feat of engineering. the big-citier, on the other hand, has seen nothing less - this is normal for him. when he visits the small town, he will just miss the "normal tall buildings".

innocence for me is also the ability to be happy in small pleasures of life. notice how these things bring a smile to your face - watching fireworks, jumping on a trampoline, dancing in the street, playing in the mud, cooing with the train, and singing kindergarten songs. in those childhood days, impersonating grown family members was also so much fun. " i am as big as my dad - i am not scared of and can touch the elephant head statue hung near the ceiling! (proud look in those eyes) i want all that belongs to my mom - the bindi on her forehead, the chain in her neck. (face shining with authority) i can read as much as my sister - i can turn the pages in her books and read them out loud (pages that were being turned have now been torn - well it was a close try at least) i am big grown up boy - look how i can throw food around! (giggles and laughter)"

and then we grow up and get all mature and reasonable and other boring things. so be a child - always. you will break out of the eggshell, climb over the nest and learn to fly - first over the tree, then the forest and then the world. but dont forget to be happy, silly and wonderstruck at discoveries which might be mundane to the rest of the world. that last piece brings a memory from my childhood trip to dad's village where i pulled out a potato from a field and ran home feeling like the strongest smartest person in the world. here's wishing there are more potatoes to pull out still... amen!

indian marriages are made on websites

introducing a typical indian mom of a typical indian eligible bachelor or bachelorette-

she chooses who we like. she decides why we like who we like. if we like someone else but she doesnt like who we like, then its understood that we dont like that someone either. she decides which of these someone we talk to and what we talk about. and then when we still decide we dont like that someone, she tries to discuss it, analyze it, hoping to find a way of convincing me that actually we do like this someone. we still dont. oh then she just switches gears and decides what we should say when we say no.

this is one of the frameworks of finding a match through the indian matrimonial websites. ask anyone who is going through this and you will find many such frameworks. they say its all about finding compatibility and adjusting. family background goes a long way in ensuring certain basic elements of compatibility. but what about personality differences among people with the same background, with the same family? just as siblings differ and fight, so we also differ and fight? they dont have an answer. what about love? we cant bring myself to even ask that question. some people will ask - what about sex? we have never even thought of considering that question.

there are three main types of non-indian responses to this, as i have discovered in my very international and very unbiased research. so here goes:
1) this system restricts choices - in indian societies girls get married at an average age of 21, and these young girls barely have a say in who their partner is going to be. even if they have a say, they barely know what they are doing. and after a list of prospective grooms is produced, they can say no to only so many before they eventually have to say yes to one of them. without knowing whether they love them. without giving a chance to falling in love. its like love has been arranged for them. if they insist on waiting, whispers start going around to speculate why this girl hasn't been able to find a match despite looking for so long. there must be a problem. she must be wanting a james bond to fall out of the sky for her.

2) this system is convenient - i search and my parents have the veto power, whereas in this system, parents search and i have the veto power. i dont need to do anything, just relax and let people work off their excitement. i get to see a list of people, whose education, lifestyle has been pre-evaluated for compatibility and all i need to do it pick. even a thorough background check has been done already, which is even more helpful, because at times i have had crazy girlfriends. in fact twice i had to call the police, so that they could be taken away.

3) this system is unreasonable - i dont understand, can never understand. i can never let such a big decision of my life lie in someone else's hands, even if they are my parents. what if they make a mistake? do i want to live with their mistake? do i want to blame them for their mistake? even if things dont work, it will still be my responsibility. if i chose myself, at least it will be my mistake, my responsibility. even if it doesnt work, i will only have myself to blame. because falling in love is not a guaranty to a lasting marriage. there are probably as many stories of failed love marriages as there are stories of stifled arranged marriages.

there are more theories. love is a choice. love comes after marriage. (the latter is what the founder of one of india's biggest matrimonial websites believes -http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-13144028) i believe that there this no better or worse framework. the key is to make it work. love might be an infatuation that fades away after 5 or 10 or 15 years. arranged marriage might just lead two people to meet and feel "that spark". i believe that both are just different search mechanisms. and falling in love is a ideal goal that everyone would like to achieve, but no-one would know if they have found their soulmate, like they do in movies. soulmates should still be given it a chance. i would still give arranged marriage a chance to accept a chosen compatible person as my partner for life. and keep an eye out for love. may the better search mechanism win. the rest can then follow happily ever after.

chick chica chicita

it is always interesting to profile the average traveller from one destination to the other. the few times that i have been to madrid, i have found serious looking people, often in suits, carrying folders like the one i had in my hand, with the i-will-change-the-world-if-i-have-to-and if-time-permits expression on their faces. in the metro, everyone is composed, concentrating on gearing up for the day's work ahead, reading a book, or looking forward to a good night's sleep. once i saw someone in an elegant olive green suit, with matching accessories - shoes and bags included. she looked like i was watching her from behind green shades. and blue shades for the one dressed in the blue denim skirt and matching heels. even the revolutionaries protesting for (one normally protests against, but thats just the beginning of what i dont understand about the spanish revolution) democracy are organised and controlled with a balance between gathering suggestions for proposing change, logistical arrangements and recreational activities in the camps. not like the hippies in placa catalunya with a lingering stench, or the locals banging utensils in gracia balconies with no consideration for babies trying to sleep in nearby apartments. treating the criticism above as a digression, i move back to observing the differences among travellers' profiles. barcelona has an air of fun, energy and friendliness. the average number of colours you see in the travelling crowd increases significantly. the footsteps are somehow more lively, formal shoes giving way to sandals - casual, funky, pretty, folders giving way to luggage for a relaxing vacation by the beach. even the suits realise that they have to give-in and allow unbuttoned cuffs and rolled-up sleeves.

i was on my way back to barcelona from madrid. my visit had been short and efficient, i was the traveller who had gone to the us embassy in madrid and i fit the profile with my folder and formal serious looking appearance. but i clearly stood as the odd one out here, surrounded by tourists or just spaniards in a holiday mood heading to barcelona, not returning to it. as i joined the queue, she suddenly skirted past me with her friend, whispering something in her ear. the first one turned around, kind of surprised realising that she was cutting in ahead of me. apologising, she said i should go ahead. i could see the excitement in their faces, in their funky flowery tops with matching capries and cute skirts, coloured sandals and flowing accessories; and i was in no hurry anyway, so i said, "no its fine, please go ahead." i did not realise they were a group of 6 and not just 2 who had walked ahead of me earlier. i reminded myself that i was in no hurry and smiled to myself seeing their excitement about the upcoming holiday. after all i get to catalogue their colours too. they kept bustling ahead of me all along till the end of the platform. it turned out that we all had our seats in the last coach. the luggage was the only thing that could have dared to pull down their speed, and my sprained-knee-induced-limp pulled down mine. and then of course they had to put all their luggage into the shelves just by the door. i heard the 1st one whisper to her friend, the same two as the last time, as they noticed me behind them. again. guess we were thinking the same thing, them embarrassed, me amused. "deja le pasar, la chichita aqui!" then she repeated her request, thinking i was irritated rather than entertained watching them fumble with their heavy bags. and this time she called me nina. as the rest of the 4 four also buzzed around, i walked to my seat and settled in with my book. i could still hear their giggles, i was so sure they were playing cards and comparing their make-up and manicure. soon enough after the train was racing in the meadows, they were walking across the carriage. more like stumbling across, heavy random footfalls matching the rhythm of the train, their embarrassed giggles ringing out loud. they seemed to be having an infectious effect on the people around. some fun those old women were having!

yes old women. did you think abuelas? think again. they were the original chicas . more like chicks actually. chicks who were at least as much fun as when they were younger, or perhaps age had built up the fun quotient in them. i roll my eyes now, thinking back about them - they were calling me chicita, yeah right!! (allow me to explain - chica is girl and chicita is just a cute and adoring way of addressing a girl. sara becomes sarita, richa becomes richita.. a pampering suffix) of course i looked like a little girl to them, trying too hard to be all grown up and serious in my formal clothes and leather folder and fat novel. they must be thinking to themselves, don’t grow up so soon. have some fun. look at us. learn from us.

i will chicas. throw my limp away, not be scared to risk, and fly again. till then you have fun in barcelona, and inspire some more people in need of a rescue from their eventless lives. maybe I catch you on the beach sometime!