mind games

It's funny how the mind plays games. After a point you don't realise if its reality or a figment of your imagination.

Sunday was the culmination of one of the most eventful weeks - work wise - and also weekends - 30th birthday bash of my flatmate. During the week, I had very critical client sessions and the responses were far beyond our expectations - has set our motor running at full speed. Then, starting Friday afternoon, we had friends flying in from different cities as far away as Istanbul and memories of the fun times in Barcelona were rekindled, how! After two days of all-night parties, we had a relaxing Sunday with a heavy English brunch and long peaceful walk through Regents Park followed by holiday shopping for family. But when you feel your body might physically burst from not being able to contain all the happiness, you should be prepared for some balloons to burst. Even happiness has a limit.

It was on my way back home on Sunday evening that my flatmate called me - our house had been burgled that very afternoon. We lost quite a few things including my laptop. Fortunately no one was hurt and security systems are now being reinforced. There are a lot of questions about how it happened, who was responsible, have we have lost anything else.. If I don't find a shirt, I wonder if the burglars took it.

What now? I felt like the police humoured us when we went to the station add details to our report. The fingerprint guy said he found one fingerprint which didn't match ours, without even looking at our fingerprints, or even our fingers for that matter. The property agent sent out a notification email to all tenants saying how he is beefing up security but did not forget to add how he was surprised that tenants sometimes do not insure personal goods. Personally and mentally, it's a different level altogether, even when the personal exposure was minimum. I did not see any action, any faces, not even the cctv footage, just came back that day to find my room in perfect order but at a closer look realised the missing items. The neatness of it all, even how the door had been chipped off, amazed me.

But with all the discussions, the theories around how and what, and the personal stories my colleagues shared yesterday - my mind is playing games with me. Every time I hear a key turn, a door open, lift announce my floor, my mind goes into alert mode. Every scruffy person, or every volunteer asking for charity that I pass on the street, makes me wonder if the burglars might have any connection to them. The first night I downed some scotch, but still dreamt about losing my job and being burgled. The dream ended well with my dad making some phone calls and setting it all right for me. Last night I woke up imagining someone standing by my bed looking for my laptop. My boss told me yesterday that being burgled can be traumatic; I didn't understand then but now I am beginning to. I am not scared, at least not yet, but very very conscious. Worse, I am generalising and mixing up empathy towards under-priviledged people and antipathy towards these burglars. And all this when the impact on me was barely anything.

It's not about physical or material loss that hits you in the first moment of realisation, it's the loss of peace of mind and loss of sense of safety in your own bedroom that rankles after the excitement has died down. All that stays then is a wait for news, and uncertainty of what to expect and what to protect yourself from. How everything is so fleeting... But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It could have been so much worse in so many ways. For starters - they somehow spared a lot of precious stuff, such as our passports - I will need mine on Friday when I fly home for vacation. Then again the mind in survival mode knows how to adapt and to survive. So if I don't have a laptop, maybe I can do with my phone and my flatmate's laptop. Time with family and friends back home could not have come at a better time. And if it is the mind playing games, then at least I know what to focus on stabilising and channelling to positivity.

recognising perceptions

to absorb like a sponge - could it be any more relevant? mom says my story is like that of a baby bird. first i thought the egg was the world, then the nest was the world, then i learnt to fly. ever since i flew over and landed in barcelona, i have been a sponge.. observing with as wide as my eyes can get and absorbing all that is around me.. the other day as i was thinking back, i started to list all that has been different to my preconceptions.

sugar high - yes if you eat a lot of sugar, you can experience a high.. your hands might start shaking, you will feel the energy, the excitement, and you might just be jumping around

vitamin c - orange juice is a good source of vitamin c which helps prevent getting a cold. this i knew. but orange juice is also good for getting rid of a cold. and even more, it is completely ok to have "cold food" like apple and yogurt and even rice.. still need to figure out why doctors in india forbid eating cold food when one has a cold.

different tastes - meat can smell like flesh to me and food to someone else. lemon and honey syrup can taste yuck to someone but can be addictive to me. same with salted yogurt. someone actually spit it out in front of me calling it disgusting. cold raw meat slices between two slices of bread can be a filling satisfying meal for some, just like a salad made of lettuce and herbs and baby tomatoes. but i need carbohydrates with salt added to it and served hot. please. being a vegetarian doesn't mean i eat leaves as my meals.

humidity puffs up hair. i haven't experienced it yet, or at least not realised it. i thought in mumbai ones hair just flattened down. i just knew about static charging hair and making it stand in all directions, but this humidity thing was interesting. wonder why they sell add-volume-to-your-hair products, when all that is needed is a bit of humidity.

sun tan - it gives colour to skin and makes it look beautiful and lively, even giving it a natural shine. it makes cheeks flush pink and look rosy. like a permanent natural blush, which sometimes arises out of emotion and brings colour on your face. that's the whole point behind make-up and calling blush blush and thats what makes rosy cheeks attractive. what we call sun tan in india is actually sun burn, - remember how it makes you feel scorched?

dark colours make white people look pale - like a vampire.. that's why they need make up or are so picky about the colours they wear. and that's why they love it the way we wear such bright colours and patterns - all designs and shades and bright shimmering stuff. for them wearing a red scarf goes a long way in adding colour to their attire - which can be a black suit, dark shirt, black stockings and black overcoat. my first time outside my office building - i felt like i was walking in a sea of black clothes under a gray sky.

stockings - protect you from the cold. yes that is their most useful function. and of course all the bits about smooth, attractive legs. black stockings actually do give an effect of proper and slim shape and at the same time an overall elegant and pristine air. and its almost magical how closed shoes n sleeping with socks can keep you warm and protected against the worst of cold weathers.

heels make me look as tall as men that i work with. skirts make me look feminine in this cold male corporate environment. to me these two seem ironical and contradictory to each other - they came from the same person. i love flats and i love trousers. that probably means i am short female, yet a cold male. but when i want to make an impression i admit to using the skirt trick.

and finally at a deeper level, something that has shown me a side of me that i didn't realise could be a reason for worry. but the way i have seen it, i am beginning to get worried. the mba gave me dreams about changing the world and changing myself to do that.. it has been a journey which started with ambition. that was ok. but now work has empowered me to achieve those dreams. and i am now being fuelled by power - which is coming from a sense of feeling recognised, credible and capable. i am worried because of the way it impacts me and makes me want more. like its an addiction that i have no control over, it controls me and can determine the way i behave. this is not ok. i have to protect myself from being corrupted by power, by the need for more power.

if this is a perception, it has to remain so, and not become reality. if it is reality, it has to change.