self appraisal

coming a long way, i have seen a few takes on appraisal. from the internship with ramakrishna - when his accountant said he helped do the appraisal and i thought it was a financial record to the range of appraisals i have had in Capgemini. abhijit sayankar & atul kaulgud who gave me a 3 for being not good not bad. deepak pamnani who said he would have given me a 5 just for the motivation i showed. uma who was relieved that i gave myself a 3 and that she wouldn't have to struggle trying to bring down my rating. aditya who gave me a 1 and a promotion despite knowing that i was going to resign in 3 months, even though i thought he never acknowledged my work during the year. i would blow my fuse coming back home or crib about how i couldn't say no to him. and now martin, who taught me how important it was to accurately evaluate myself, to be grounded but not to overlook the good work that i had done. not being too hard on myself, but appreciating the good things and that its only human to make mistakes. like dipti would be too hard on herself, for her naivety in the past. but then as rafael nadal says, refusing to forgive your own mistakes is another sign of arrogance. of believing that you are beyond making mistakes. so take a step back into humility and take refuge in forgiveness.

and the most recent lesson about self appraisal is on the personal front. i have learnt about myself is how unemotional i can get, thinking its being strong. but its just turning a blind eye to that core which needs affection, for the fear that i would not be able to find that affection. in me for myself, or around me.

i came home feeling very restless, feeling lonely, missing all my family and friends. it struck me that right now if something happened to me, if i jumped in front of a train, noone would come looking for me until it was too late. if i decided to go sit by the river, feeling miserable and lost about work, just like abhijit used to, no mehul would come looking for me, ready to just sit and listen. mehul knew where to find abhijit, but here noone would.

then i had an icecream, pulled myself up and decided to watch "the rebound" to distract myself. cute little complicated story, about friends advising each other, about good and bad things, about going fast or taking it slow. about exploring the world, about letting life lead you on, rather than you planning little mazes around years. and the non-ending about growing up and growing affectionate left me with a smile. everything has a time, now is the time for me to go out in the world, to explore, to find the me that i have always been wanting to look for. and to make more friends at every phase. to learn to attach, when i get home, i call out "i am home!" and have a little chat about the day.. know who is doing what, to keep in the loop rather than engaging in the formality of respecting everyone's privacy. have some adventure, and build that appreciation for human relations. of friendships. coz they will come looking for me. just like i will go looking for them. friendship doesnt need privacy, it finds its own balance. and isnt that what we are all always looking for? balance?