mind games

It's funny how the mind plays games. After a point you don't realise if its reality or a figment of your imagination.

Sunday was the culmination of one of the most eventful weeks - work wise - and also weekends - 30th birthday bash of my flatmate. During the week, I had very critical client sessions and the responses were far beyond our expectations - has set our motor running at full speed. Then, starting Friday afternoon, we had friends flying in from different cities as far away as Istanbul and memories of the fun times in Barcelona were rekindled, how! After two days of all-night parties, we had a relaxing Sunday with a heavy English brunch and long peaceful walk through Regents Park followed by holiday shopping for family. But when you feel your body might physically burst from not being able to contain all the happiness, you should be prepared for some balloons to burst. Even happiness has a limit.

It was on my way back home on Sunday evening that my flatmate called me - our house had been burgled that very afternoon. We lost quite a few things including my laptop. Fortunately no one was hurt and security systems are now being reinforced. There are a lot of questions about how it happened, who was responsible, have we have lost anything else.. If I don't find a shirt, I wonder if the burglars took it.

What now? I felt like the police humoured us when we went to the station add details to our report. The fingerprint guy said he found one fingerprint which didn't match ours, without even looking at our fingerprints, or even our fingers for that matter. The property agent sent out a notification email to all tenants saying how he is beefing up security but did not forget to add how he was surprised that tenants sometimes do not insure personal goods. Personally and mentally, it's a different level altogether, even when the personal exposure was minimum. I did not see any action, any faces, not even the cctv footage, just came back that day to find my room in perfect order but at a closer look realised the missing items. The neatness of it all, even how the door had been chipped off, amazed me.

But with all the discussions, the theories around how and what, and the personal stories my colleagues shared yesterday - my mind is playing games with me. Every time I hear a key turn, a door open, lift announce my floor, my mind goes into alert mode. Every scruffy person, or every volunteer asking for charity that I pass on the street, makes me wonder if the burglars might have any connection to them. The first night I downed some scotch, but still dreamt about losing my job and being burgled. The dream ended well with my dad making some phone calls and setting it all right for me. Last night I woke up imagining someone standing by my bed looking for my laptop. My boss told me yesterday that being burgled can be traumatic; I didn't understand then but now I am beginning to. I am not scared, at least not yet, but very very conscious. Worse, I am generalising and mixing up empathy towards under-priviledged people and antipathy towards these burglars. And all this when the impact on me was barely anything.

It's not about physical or material loss that hits you in the first moment of realisation, it's the loss of peace of mind and loss of sense of safety in your own bedroom that rankles after the excitement has died down. All that stays then is a wait for news, and uncertainty of what to expect and what to protect yourself from. How everything is so fleeting... But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It could have been so much worse in so many ways. For starters - they somehow spared a lot of precious stuff, such as our passports - I will need mine on Friday when I fly home for vacation. Then again the mind in survival mode knows how to adapt and to survive. So if I don't have a laptop, maybe I can do with my phone and my flatmate's laptop. Time with family and friends back home could not have come at a better time. And if it is the mind playing games, then at least I know what to focus on stabilising and channelling to positivity.